Saturday, August 23, 2008

oh hai

so..here i go, promising to blog more often to appease all 5 of my readers (see! my numbers are growing! take that, dooce! lol) and then i go a whole week-ish without a word. i suck, sorry. i just got off work and am at a good friend's abusing her internet while she makes pancakes. it's a hard life but someone has to do it.
carson started first grade and is ROCKING OUT. and i do like his teacher, for all i thought i wouldn't. she seems to get him and he likes her and was beaming after the first day: "MOM! i LOVE first grade! and i got a STICKER! for my SCHOOLHOUSE? and it was AWESOME...did you know that in first grade you have to be good FOREVER?" that made my day so much better because i had spent the whole day crying in sadness because a) holy effing hell, batman, how is my precious babeee old enough for higher learnin and shit? and b)i made him cry during the "take a million pictures" period. i suck so bad.
so what happened, was, i was taking a million pictures (shocker, i know) and he quit smiling, or started smiling the horrible, perfectly rectangular smile that he has and uses specifically to annoy me. yes he does. be quiet. so i snapped at him. then he put his glasses on by pulling the ear pieces so far apart i expected the glasses to just snap in half, and i yelled. and his big brown eyes filled with tears and he buried his face in his hands and i died.
i never expected to fail at motherhood. yet i do it, so often. and for all the snark i use to cover it up, it kills me. keeps me up at night or gives me nightmares. panic attacks when they leave me..."what if there's an accident and the last thing they remember is Mommy yelling, and not kisses?" it's not healthy and i know that, and yet....it continues. so i talk to friends about it, or to Jason, to gain perspective. and that's helping, and helping me be the mom i always wanted my mom to be. it's just a slow process and i'm an impatient person.
but i'm trying, and i hope he remembers that instead of Mommy yelling.

4 comments:

And so it goes said...

if they don't ever tell you they hate you, then you have failed as a parent... wise words passed down to me from my mother in law

Steph said...

I worry about that too, tif. That's the sucky part of parenting. I wish I could do it right all the time.

Supervised Mama said...

You described exactly the way I feel, what kind of mom makes her 14 month old daughter cry cuz she tells her no.... but I gotta tell her no.... I so strive to be that perfect parent in my head too. I know I'll never get there but I'd at least like to get close.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Bah! You're doing a fine job! He comes home every day, right? He wants to see YOU!
I love the 1st day of school posts. Makes me happy my own is still in the early years. (And makes me worry about when I too will enter that phase.)