Tuesday, September 30, 2008

why i suck as a parent, part eleventy frillion and two

so. i'm just gonna throw this out there. i go yesterday to pick Wonderboy up from school, something j usually does since i get up at the ass crack of dawn to get him ready and take him to school. Wonderboy comes running to the car, sees me, grins, frowns, skids to a stop. and just stares. tensely. he gets in, avoiding my eyes. i make an assumption. "you got in trouble, didn't you?" i ask. "yes," he sighs. "what did you do?" "I talked in the bathroom." (oh no, not talking in the bathroom! the shame! the horror! the who gives a shit anyway if he's quiet in the classroom?) but i rode his ass about it. hard. "your medicine is helping you, a lot, but that doesn't mean you can just stop trying, Wonderboy! you have gotten in trouble for this consistently since school started! learn to shut up!" and then proceeded in my awesomeness. "what else did you do?" "I don't know, but i missed my last recess and i miss first recess tomorrow." "so no fun friday? already? you're ONE DAY IN and you have already lost fun friday?" i snapped at him.
in my defense, i was so excited for him (and for me, i'll admit it) that he got to do fun friday. unfortunately for him (and me) he has only gotten to do it one time. he just can't be quiet. ever. ever ever ever. and i blame sarah palin. or something.
then i proceeded to rant and rave about his teacher has never made him miss recess for talking before, he must have done something else. he denied. i persisted. he cried. i got madder...at him, and myself. but i persisted. i sent him to his room with sarcastic remarks. his dad went in to talk to him. that also went badly. carson was bawling, making up stories about stuff that might have gotten him in trouble. but we didn't KNOW they were stories. so i whipped out the "i'm calling your teacher" line and he went INSANE. bawled and begged me not to. well, i did. i had to know what happened.
her answer? "we had a really good day today. i just couldn't get him to be quiet so he has to miss a recess tomorrow."
and.........i suck.
i think, for all my education and career experience and knowledge of adhd meds, when there was an instantaneous reaction i just kept expecting it to get better. not for his body to adjust and then backslide a little. not to increase the dose and holy god! too much! back it down! like we had to. yesterday was his first day back on the low dose. and yet i persisted to yell at him. i may as well yell and scream at the diabetic girl in his class for not controlling her own blood sugar. jesus. i feel so bad right now. and yet i keep snipping at him for acting like a KID, not a pod person. why? WHY? oh right...because i suck. really bad.
no seriously, someone tell me why. i feel so terrible and i need someone to show me the light. slap me if you must, i can take it. just let me in on the "bad mommy moments and how to stop them" secret, if you please.

7 comments:

Evenspor said...

I'm having a bad mommy day today too. Maybe we can suck together.

Jenny said...

We all have bad mommy days. Sorry you are having one.

Brianna loooovvveess to talk. The meds have helped, but they do not change who the child is. She got in so much trouble in kinder and first grade, (and I was constantly after her for getting in trouble)that if she gets in trouble now, I just say, "That's too bad. What went wrong? Are you going to do better tomorrow?" And she usually does. Be patient, Tif and things will get better. We are here with you. :) Carson is learning his boundaries. Behavior will get better. Has his attention span improved? Find the good things in his school day.

And now out comes the teacher in me(lol): Do you have a daily behavior chart that goes back and forth from school and home? That way the teacher can let you know exactly what was the problem, or vice versa, how well the day went. My philosophy as a parent and teacher is that I don't punish students (or my children) for what happens at home, and I don't want the parents to punish the kids (too much, lol) for what happens at school. Carson's consequence for not being quiet is losing recess, and fun day, :( but next week might be different. :) He sounds like a good kid.

I hope you don't mind the long comment. I'm just trying to send e-support. :) And believe you me, I've been (and still am) where you are. I just have to remind myself that tomorrow is a new day. (I have also found my relationship with my stepdaughters go better if I apologize when I've been a horrible mommy--which I am, alot.)
I'm praying for you.

lindsay weiss said...

hi tif- been there too. you're actually a great parent, but we all have our moments.

Sprite's Keeper said...

I'm sure I'll have my share. My sister has them all the time with her son, since his medication is still being tested and she never knows when she's getting the truth. It's very frustrating and a long process, but you will get there, Tif. Shake off the bad mommy and apologize, and get on with your life. He'll be fine. :-)

MT said...

Maybe it'll help Carson, knowing that even supermom sometimes has trouble controlling her emotions. I hear the guilt though, despite the fact that I (knock on wood) have never been tested as much as ADHD parents are (or Tourette parents, or autism parents, or...)

Anonymous said...

aaawwww! come here for a big mummy hug! :D

kristina said...

You don't suck as a parent. We all have sucky mommy days. Sigh. I feel like this past week has been one big suck.