Rapture of the Sleep

and so happy christmas...to one and for all...

2010-12-25T02:11:00.000-06:00

and so it is christmas...and what have you done?
i have john lennon and yoko ono stuck in my head, apparantly. it's christmas eve (well, christmas now) and i'm working while the kids and jason prepare for santa claus. i view it as a blessing that i can be a source of fun and whimsy for the kids here at the hospital. we made reindeer food and passed it around, and some of the kids scattered it in the hallways outside their rooms so santa and the reindeer can find them. my kids scattered theirs with me before i came in tonight. proof that kids will be kids, no matter what the situation. :)
i will be uber-exhausted tomorrow, but i'm trying to view it as a blessing as well since it means i am able to spend christmas with sick and well alike, and bring light to not just my kids, but others. i can think of children--five of them, to be exact--that i wish were here this christmas to spend it with us, and that i would give anything to see, here, or at their home, or on caringbridge. so i urge you all to cherish your little ones, and their memories if they are one of the five i'm missing, and hold them and kiss them tight this christmas eve. eat their cookies for santa and google the recipe for reindeer food (hint: it's oatmeal and glitter). eat too much candy and use too much tape on their presents. induce epilepsy with the blinking lights on the christmas tree. cherish every christmas like it were your last. and if last year WAS your last, know that your little one is looking down and loves you, and is guiding your way. and that all of us at chez rakes love you, too. god bless, and merry christmas.
tiffany

IMG00814-20101007-1245.jpg

2010-10-07T12:46:00.000-05:00

It's fall! And almost Halloween! And...and...and...*head explodes from excitement*
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Message from tifRN

2010-10-06T00:54:00.001-05:00

Hello Blogger

tifRN would like you to have a look at this digital publication: Volume 3 | Issue 6

tifRN says:
how can you not donate when you see these pigtails?

Fw: Voting has begun!

2010-10-01T17:43:00.001-05:00

I am putting this up so you can all vote! VOTE FOR OUR KIDS! Imagine walking up to ten beautiful, healthy, laughing kids a day who have never been touched by brain cancer. You could make that happen! Tif
------Original Message------
From: 2010 Twilight Walk
To: babycatchr2009@yahoo.com
Subject: Voting has begun!
Sent: Oct 1, 2010 08:25

Dear Tiffany,

Firstly, thank you for your incredible support for this year's Kyrie Foundation Twilight Walk. It proved to be our biggest event to-date, both with participation and donations, raising over $17K in just a couple hours. Our cups runneth over with gratitude for your willingness to work with us to find a cure for this dastardly cancer.

And this is the BIG news for which we need YOUR help: After the walk's video, Megan mentioned that The Kyrie Foundation could be a possible candidate for Pepsi's Refresh Everything $250K grant, and guess what? WE'RE IN!!!!!!! Megan got the e-mail early this morning! Now the public voting is open, beginning TODAY 10/1 and running thought 10/31. We need your help in generating anyone who can click a mouse or text in a vote! ;)

Go to: http://www.refresheverything.com/kyriefoundation to vote for us. I believe you have to register once, but after that you can visit the site to vote EVERY DAY this month. You get 10 votes per day, but you can only cast one per day per idea. You can also text in your vote if you're away from your computer:

Vote from your mobile phone

Text* 103447 to
Pepsi (73774)
*Standard text messaging rates apply.

This is BIG opportunity, and really the fate of whether this happens or not resides simply with people deciding to care. That's it. Ever day that we don't vote is a day gone, a vote we can't get back. So for the sake of the 10 families who will get the news today that their child has a brain tumor, LET'S DO THIS!

Feel free to forward this information to anyone and everyone!

Sincerely,

Chad T. Eickholt
913-387-4493
chad@kyriefoundation.org
Website: www.kyriefoundation.org
Blog: www.kyriethome.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kyrie-Foundation/309508931172
Twitter: http://twitter.com/KyrieFoundation

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The face of pseudotumor cerebri....

2010-09-26T08:43:00.000-05:00

Can be learned about at www.caringbridge.org/visit/carsonrakes. This is the best child you will ever meet. A sweet, smart, hilarious boy. MY little boy. So come visit. Cheer him on. Say a prayer. Tell him a joke. Whatever...just encourage him. He's tired and frustrated and scared. So am I.

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Twilight Walk 2010

2010-09-19T19:13:00.000-05:00

Here's to hoping these aren't all sideways...
so. The Twilight Walk was AMAZING. So many people, coming together for a common purpose, all to help kids. It was inspiring and heartwarming. They played a song, "Blessed are the Hands that Give," and it was just such an uplifting feeling to be a part of such a great cause. There was a balloon release, and I released 3 balloons...one for Kyrie, to whom to foundation is for, one for Carson, since he was initially thought to have a brain tumor (so scary), and one for my little patient who earned her wings last month after battling a pontine glioma for 8 months. I cried watching those balloons soar away. For all of rhose little souls freed, and for those yet to leave. Ten kids a day diagnosed. That's ten too many. So hug your babies, kiss their heads and sweet, sweet mouths, tuck them in at night. Read that extra story. And when they break stuff, or throw tantrums at Wal-Mart, or cuss at Grandma's, remember those balloons. And kiss them again.
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twilight walk day!

2010-09-18T08:36:00.001-05:00

Don't forget, peeps! Today is the day of the Twilight Walk for Pediatric Brain Cancer! Come out to Bishop Carroll high school in Wichita to help a WONDERFUL cause...we need more research on this! We need to be able to keep our babies. No one should know the feeling of planning their child's funeral instead of their wedding. September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month...let's raise awareness and funds! If you can't make it out tonight, check out the Kyrie Foundation's website-www.kyriefoundation.dojiggy.com
Thanks, and hope to see you there!
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I am hollow.

2010-08-25T17:09:00.001-05:00

though I do not attend a denominational church, or any church now for a while, I am taking comfort in these verses. Last night I held the hand of a father as, weeping, we said goodbye to his baby girl. Just seven years old, and a true warrior, one who has defied her diagnosis and kicked her prognosis in the face for weeks now. But in the end she couldn't hold out, and left us for a better place.
Friday morning, as I gave her medication, she stopped breathing. She reached up-with hands she had been unable to move for weeks-and held the hand of what she later confirmed was an angel. There was such a peaceful, serene look on her face. She started breathing again in about a minute, and let the hand go. Yesterday, she talked to that angel all day. Last night, it took her home.

Treasures in Jars of Clay

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. so then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."[b]With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence...

therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

The other verse I love right now is "and I said, oh that I may have the wings of a dove, so that I can fly away, and be at peace." this seems especially apt as her daddy was showing me pictures of her in butterfly wings, happy as a lark.
This job is so hard. So emotional. I love these kids so truly, and it scoops me out and leaves me bleeding to lose one. I have been with this girl, this family, since this child was diagnosed. Held their hands and taught her to swallow pills in pudding. Spoon fed, then syringe fed her. Suctioned her mouth when she couldn't eat anymore. Laughed with her as, both in purple, we hung out at her Make a Wish party.
And last night, I kissed her goodbye.

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You know what's awesome? When I'm not stupid.

2010-08-17T11:01:00.001-05:00

So just in case my link for the Kyrie Foundation doesn't work-and i'm sure it didn't-it's because I put it in wrong. ACTIVISM: you're doing it wrong.
www.kyriefoundation.dojiggy.com
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two posts in a ROW? did the world just implode?

2010-08-16T01:58:00.002-05:00

ok, so not to freak ya'll out or anything, but i'm back. for two days. in. a. row.
i know, right?
anyway, i wanted to let you know that i updated my "blogs i stalk" list to include some funny ass blogs i read now. in the words of Sara..ch-ch-check em out.
and definitely be sure to look at Nick Holmes and his pics. MADE OF AWESOME, THESE ARE. i laugh so hard when is see them i nearly pee myself.
and speaking of peeing myself, go to Hyperbole and a Half (thanks, Amalah) and check out the pain scale. as a nurse, i DIED when i saw this. i'm going to start using this. "Excuse me, little Suzie, how is your pain? Does it feel like you you've been mauled by a bear, or that you're experiencing stigmata?" Bwah haha.

holy crap! it's august!

2010-08-15T01:32:00.004-05:00

so....i suck at this whole "updating" thing. where to start? carson's brain tumor scare? ella's preschool? global warming?
what, you want the brain tumor scare? geez, you're so needy.
so...on july 2 carson--oh, i'm sorry, Wonderboy--was diagnosed with mono. which, whew, because with my job, when your kid is sick and really lethargic and complaining of pain, you think OMGOMFGCANCERCANCERWHATDOWEDO???!!! But it was just mono! so that's ok then! except...he wasn't recovering. kept vomiting. still had headaches. i was concerned, but not overly-he tends to hyperfocus on symptomology until it becomes his whole world, all he can think about. so i thought, at first, he was just being dramatic. until my husband called while i was at barnes and noble getting him books to tell me "he went wall-eyed." which is, by the way, a higly technical, PC, and medical term. feel free to use it. so i rush home, stopping for a happy meal because he wanted a cheeseburger-he finally wanted to eat!-and i will say this now, with all sincerity, THANK GOD FOR MCDONALDS. because if he hadn't have wanted that happy meal, and it would't have come with that stupid perforated eye patch that normally drives me INSANE with the assistance it requires, what happens next would have gone unnoticed for God knows how long.
so i get home, and he's cross eyed on the left eye. it's completely deviated in. i do a neuro check, which is normal. vitals are normal, deep tendon reflexes are normal, everything. no fever. awake and alert. hungry for the first time in days. no nausea. so i feed him, and stew on it. he eats his happy meal, and puts the eye patch that comes with it in his eye...and here comes the drama. "hey!" he says excitedly. "Now i only see one of you!" shocked, i looked at him and asked how long he had been seeing two of me. he thoughtfully answered "since july started. or since the mono. i can't remember." WTF. i asked why he didn't tell the doctor, or me. "nobody asked me," he said innocently. "can i have yogurt?"
kids. you gotta love their pragmaticism.
so i sit on it overnight (foolish, foolish, peds nurse) and take him in the morning to see his ped. i also make an appt with an optometrist. his ped FREAKS. which is, you know, exactly what you want. he starts talking about MRI's and tumors. i completely shut that down...couldn't even think it. couldn't comprehend that the my child could be like the kids in the website from my last entry. then they tell me--on a tuesday morning--that they can't do the MRI til friday night. excuse the hell out of me? i went ballistic and told them no way in hell, it's today or we are being admitted to the hospital, ASAP. his poor, brand new nurse-it was her first day, i did feel bad--made some calls and got us in that afternoon. but then they mentioned two words that gave me some hope: pseudotumor cerebri.
and his optometrist said the same thing. "this looks like a classic case of pseudotumor cerebri," she said thoughtfully. "both optic nerves are swollen, and with brain tumors, it's usually just one or the other. i think his intracranial pressure is too high. get the MRI done to rule things out, but this looks like classic pseudotumor."
as in, not a real tumor. thank God.
so the MRI was awful. an adhd child strapped into a big scary machine with a rag over his face is going to freak out. so they weren't able to get all the pics they wanted. but enough to see he didn't have tumor. again, thank you, God.
we go to a neurologist the next morning. he echos the pseudotumor thing. "he needs a spinal tap." i look at him, not surpised (because OF COURSE i googled it), and advise him to sedate him. so we had to be admitted to the hospital and go to the PICU (what is it with my kids and the PICU in july? Jesus) and be sedated. where his ICP was >55.
Greater. Than. Fifty-freaking-five.
ok, so for people who don't know, normal ICP (or intracranial pressure) in a kid (or adult) is less than twenty. so his was three times normal. THREE TIMES. it literally sprayed out of the barometry device and all over my friend Nicole, who was his nurse for the sedation. Hope she likes mono!
holy rusted metal, batman. so they pulled off almost an ounce (AN OUNCE) of cerobrospinal fluid to restore the pressure, and now he takes a med twice a day to keep it from replenishing. it tears his stomach up, and makes him hairy, and he had a spinal headache for a week that was so awful he couldn't get out of bed and almost had to be readmitted to the hospital. but there's no tumor.
i just can't say it enough.
Thank you, God.

update: i really am so grateful that we don't have to do the oncology route that many of my patients and their families have to go through. like cora, or the children from the website in my last post, I Could Be Your Child. However, the parents of Kyrie Thome were not so lucky, and lost their little girl over Easter weekend a few years ago. Now they tirelessly raise money for pediatric brain cancer research, and come to my floor as the Easter Bunny and Frosty the Snowman to bring presents for hospitalized children who would otherwise miss out. Please, come to the walk in Wichita. Or donate to their cause. Every little bit helps.

The most depressing website ever

2010-06-25T07:08:00.001-05:00

But everyone should have awareness. Or at the very least, a tax donation. BC this organization could use awareness. I'm witnessing this process now and its horribly heartbreaking, so I want to spread the word.
Icouldbeyourchild.org
Please, please, read this site. Look at those kids. Donate to cure cancer.
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why am I in the water?

2010-06-13T21:40:00.000-05:00

And what the fuck is THAT?!
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pink hearts for a heavenly anniversary

2010-04-13T15:12:00.000-05:00

Cora's parents made these for all of the nurses at the hospital in Peds and PICU to celebrate her heavenly anniversary on Feb 8. I didn't write about it then-im not sure why-but I immediately hung it on my rear view mirror as a reminder as their love and faith and as a spiritual compass of sorts to use for myself. It calms me and gives me a huge dose of perspective like nothing else can. I hope it reminds me to stay on a true path and to follow love, as well as to use love daily with my life, self, family, and patients. I have been running a lot of chemo on the floor to a lot of kids with several kinds of cancers, some like Cora's, some not, and I try to impart Joel and Jess's love to these kids and their families. I teach them to look for a positive, every day, even if you have to wade through crap to find it...even a fever, or nausea, can be this, because it means your body and your chemo and working really hard to try and make you better. But I am careful, in my caregiving, to never make promises to these families, to these kids, because to do so would be cruel. They might NOT get better. And that possibility keeps me up at night and makes me sniffle when I clean up toddlers covered in vomit who say, piteously, "I frew up." But I smile and wipe their tears and think of Cora and her family and get through it...with my whole heart.
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I is needing water!

2010-04-02T05:18:00.000-05:00

Also, taller socks. You know, for a flotation device.
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the pink fairy...

2010-03-11T09:24:00.000-06:00

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umm...wtf?

2010-01-17T15:58:00.000-06:00

This perv is on a pillow in my house. Someone want to tell me what, exactly, he's doing?
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bC good girls don't let their ponies go naked

2010-01-13T08:41:00.000-06:00

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eff you, persephone

2010-01-08T08:49:00.000-06:00

Clearly, the apocalypse is upon us.
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Go say congrats!

2010-01-03T10:20:00.000-06:00

And meet Levi, Cora's new brother, born yesterday. I can't add links on my phone, so its The Macs that you will be visiting. And people, let me tell you-if you ever need a spiritual pick me up, or a reason for joy, Jess is the one to give it to you. Her and Joel blew me away with their kindness and faith when Cora was sick and all of us at work check their blog regularly. These are the most amazing people you will meet in 2010, I can guarantee you. Cora was such an amazing little girl and through her name and story wonderful things have been accomplished...all with Jess and Joel's blessing and prayer that she continue to help more people.
Congratulations, Macs, on little Levi. Cora would be so proud.

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what exactly is a semen related cost?

2009-12-27T23:32:00.001-06:00

I mean, really. Is this necessary?

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mwah! & happy festivus for the best of us!

2009-12-24T23:27:00.000-06:00

Or, you know, Merry Chridtmasmukahzaa and all that. Don't want to leave anyone out.
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here's something not irritating

2009-12-17T20:14:00.000-06:00

So you think YOU can dance?
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Wtf, Blogger?

2009-12-17T19:36:00.000-06:00

Why why WHY can I not see people's comments? Or metalia's blog at all? At least on my Phone, these things aren't showing up. It's irritating.
You know what else is irritating? EVERYTHING ELSE. I have been so cranky lately. I haven't been sleeping well and so now trivial things (like this damn touchscreen) are weighing on me, more than usual.
I need brownies. And some chocolate wine. And more money...anyone know if prostitution pays per pound? Because if so I'm totally set.
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fair is a four letter word

2009-12-08T16:33:00.000-06:00

Well. I have struggled this last week and a half. Depression, insomnia, what-if's keeping me up at night, fighting to stay awake during the day. Thinking that pediatric nursing and I may need to file papers and go separate ways.
I'm sitting outside of Wonderboy's school right now, where he will run out with his enormous backpack and equally enormous Tuesday homework assignment. He will beam smiles and tell me about his day. But its another little boy I'm thinking of.
This little boy was-is-a WARRIOR. At 11 months he has been through what no adult should face. Surgeries, extensive hospital stays, infections, feeding tubes. Trying-and failing-to make him better. To make him a healthy little boy who could eat cake at his birthday.
My husband tells me to not get so attached. I told him to rock a baby for 3 nights a week for months and NOT get attached.
Last Tuesday was his funeral. It was beautiful and devastating. His tiny shoes were in a boquet of white roses. And today is his birthday. His first birthday.
We love you, moo. Eat a whlole sheet cake for us. You've earned it.
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wichita advertising FAIL

2009-12-02T18:32:00.000-06:00

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Princess

2009-11-30T08:22:00.000-06:00

Happy birthday, baby girl. I love you so much and am so thankful we have you to complete our family. You are so sweet, so fun, and so FIERCE, and I don't know what we would do without you. May all your. Cake wishes come true.
Love, your mama
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Scary ghost...by ella

2009-11-08T18:14:00.000-06:00

She had been running around like crazy going "scary ghost says rawr" but of course when the camera came out I had to prompt her.
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So life WAS better...

2009-11-07T10:24:00.000-06:00

Because we decorated! And ye olde plague was lifting! And then, THEN, we met our new neurologist.
I should preface this by stating that Jason and I go through 4 24pks of pop in two weeks. Probably 3 of those, but definitely 2 of them, are Mt. Dew.
Ya'll, my neuro has banned me (ok us, but really, now that withdrawal has kicked in it is every man for himself here) from caffeine. And tylenol and motrin. And I have to have an EEG before she will switch me to a headache preventative/anti-epileptic, like Topamax. Oh, and the med I have been on for nine years now causes osteoporosis. So I have to have a bone density test, as well. I asked if that could explain how I broke my leg when I was 35 weeks with Princess and she just looked at me. So...shit. If I don't post its because I died. Or Jason killed me from his own caffeine withdrawal. Send help. And milky way bars.
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Why Life Sucks Today

2009-11-02T18:36:00.000-06:00

My washing machine that I JUST BOUGHT LAST WEEK (used, but still)-broken. Will be fixed $80 on Friday. So here I am at the laundromat. Again. My old apartment complex? Charging me $1540 for damages that were damaged when I moved in, and the REASON I moved out. And once again, I have been struck with ye olde bubonic plague.
Three words: eff my life.
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Wichita does Halloween right Ya'll

2009-11-01T07:57:00.000-06:00

First, the obligatory kid pics. Then, THEN, we went to College Hill to trick or treat...and let me just tell you, this is the equivalent of going to a Vegas show, or maybe Disneyland. Holy hell, you guys. It was AWESOME. There was so much to see! Tombstone in the front yard with a jack-o-lantern? That's for slackers. We saw a full scale pirate ship coming from a house, complete with mast, rigging, and candy laden pirates. The wicked witch had just crushed her sister and the scare crow and tin man were concerned. Jack and Sally were cavorting in the cemetery. Ghosts were flying and singing. A castle full of mental patients, witches, and mummies gave out candy and theatre info. And a full size mad scientist had a lab and was raising the dead, guarded by a variety of creatures. A HUGE cauldron held a zombie and was observed by a witch, and Shelob the spider guarded her web and a yard of at least fifty jack o lanterns. We were blown away. The best, though, was the animatronic cemetery wit pumpkin head ghosts who sang and danced, generously giving solos to three skeletons. One was in a coffin that popped open, and two literally jumped out of the ground to complete the ensemble. I will enclose as many cell phone pics as it will allow. Enjoy!
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Happy Halloween Eve!

2009-10-30T21:22:00.000-05:00

These aren't princess & wonderboys' actual costumes, but aunt shel and brooklynn sent them some playtoys. I have hidden the candy but obviously the toys are getting a workout! Hopefully more pics tomorrow of them in their other costumes.
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Kansas Skies & Hyperactivity

2009-10-25T20:44:00.000-05:00

Or, how I spent this weekend. When I wasn't working all night or panicking about the fact that we are moving Tuesday, MY GOD WE ARE NOT READY. Anyone want some stuff that may get left behind? I can promise a full array of lego blocks, barbie shoes, and random photos and fridge magnets. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

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Spin Cycle

2009-10-22T10:43:00.000-05:00

So...I don't really cook all that much. Like, ever. The stuff I DO make is really good, but my pussy husband won't eat it. "I don't like alfredo...I don't like pumpkin cheesecake...". Blah blah blah. So I said if he ever wanted to have sex again he had to cook. So he does...after an initial period of resistance in which he found out how serious I was. Ha.
So J makes this, not me. I call it Sweet Baby Jay's BBQ Chicken. He says I'm stupid. But anyway....
3-4 chicken breasts, cut into thirds
1/2 bottle of Sweet Baby Rays bbq sauce (get it? GET IT?)
1 cup onion/pepper/celery mix that's at walmart in the freezer aisle
Black pepper to taste

Defrost chicken according to weight, cut into thirds, boil for 20 minutes. When you can touch it without scalding yourself shred the chicken and layer with bbq sauce, veggies, and pepper. Mix it then bake at 450 for 14 minutes.
It makes a ton, ya'll. And then we go southern fried and add cheddar and pickles and eat it on toast.
Enjoy!
P.S. Einstein says will work for chikin.
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Mmmm thai iced tea

2009-10-21T15:30:00.000-05:00

We are currently at a thai restaraunt in wichita that looks a little...adventurous, if you get me? But oh, my God, ya'll. The food is AMAZING. A d the thai iced tea is actually good. Mmmm. If you are ever in wichita try Taste of Thai on St Francis. You're welcome.

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Sometimes all you can say is "yes, my daughter is wearing Hulk underwear."

2009-10-20T14:02:00.000-05:00

Sometimes kids irritate the crap out of me. Mine, yours, my patients, WHATEVER, they are children and therefore irritating. This doesn't happen often but when it does I just need to take a step back. A bad thing about being a pediatric nurse, at least for me, is the survivor's guilt. If Wonderboy is having a bad adhd day I tell myself "Jesus Tif, get a grip. I bet so-and-so's mom would be ecstatic with an adhd diagnosis instead of the one for METASTATIC CANCER, you ungrateful bitch." and when that happens I get hit with the bone chilling certainty that any child, any time, is susceptible to some sort of horrible diagnosis, accident, parent. And I feel bad on multiple levels-for them, their families, myself. Myself for always thinking the worst thing (leg pain? ITS CANCER!) instead of just chilling and enjoying my kids. Its not healthy to berate myself for getting irritated constantly because of what I see at work. Its not fair to my kids. It just freaks me out and makes the guilt/irritability cycle worse and causes 2 a.m. anxiety attacks where I cry for getting on to them-never mind that they deserved it-and I just want to pull their sleeping selves out of bed and kiss them and apologize.
But then somedays, most days, I look at my kids and just love them. And while I wish it were everyday that I was a better parent, I just have to remind myself that parenting, like medicine, is a practice. And kiss my kids and take pictures of them in their leggings and brother's underwear. Over the leggings. Because this is how we roll.
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2009-10-20T05:56:00.000-05:00

Pedro is wondering if the mobile blogging is working...
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oh hey. so, it's been awhile

2009-09-08T03:16:00.002-05:00

so.....*whistles aimlessly*....
meet some of my family! this is my awesome cousin jeff and his way cool wife, tish, and their new baby (squee) logan. he is MADE OF AWESOME. and makes my ovaries hurt. in a good way. you know what i mean.
and....
that's pretty much it.
edited to add: you know w hat would also rock? IF I GAVE YOU THEIR LINK MY GOD I AM STUPID. it's ok, you can say it. i was thinking it, too. they live here.

OH, AND AAAANNNNNDDDDRRRRREEEAAAAA! I HAVE MISSED YOU, TOO! I also kind of wanted to put "adrian" instead of your name because latent Rocky references crack me up.

shhh...

2009-08-21T04:13:00.004-05:00

ok, so just real quick.
since a few key bloggers i read have PUSSED OUT ON ME (ahem, black hockey jesus and looky daddy) i had to redo my blog stalking list. soo. wha-la. here it is.
and no, i'm not at work right now. why do you ask?
ahem.
p.s. we got a dog. named einstein. but he has already learned to answer to captain dumbass. will show pics later. but he's a white mini schnauzer. and he's uber cute. and i may or may not have laughed HYSTERICALLY when he chased ella down the hall and pulled off her "biaper."
no. she isn't potty trained. quit looking at me.
how are you?

i think i can...

2009-07-30T06:50:00.001-05:00

Oh holy crap I am blogging from my phone again. Can i get a WOOT. And a HUZZAH and a HELL TO THE YEAH? Someone stole my phone while princess was in the PICU on the 16-17 (more on that drama later). And I had to get a new one (screw you, someone. And good luck using a BB that's been registered as stole
n. Dick.). But hey! Good news! This phone let's me blog! Can I get a WOOT...wait,did I already say that?

omg, the awesomeness

2009-07-11T14:54:00.002-05:00

a real entry. can ya'll believe it? i am PSYCHED. my blackberry storm is supposed to let me blog, and it did at first, but now it won't and i'm unsure if it's the phone or blogger. whatever. i blame clinton.
so how IS everyone? my kid turned SEVEN yesterday. i feel like i qualify for aarp or something. SEVEN. how is that possible? he's so big now! and ella is right behind him. she wears almost as much as him and wears tutus and petticoats all day, her "geautifuls" and is very proud of them. the other day she terrorized the really sweet indian guys across the hall by showing them her belly. i was no help...i laughed so hard i cried. i had all of these really eloquent posts in my head about how much we love wichita and how psyched we are to move and carson's bday and global warming and whatever, but i dunno. i'm just not feeling it this second.
and now i may be a picu nurse. am i smart enough for that? get back to me on that. k?
and a belated CONGRATS to arwen for little fish!

happy 7th bday, wonderboy. may all your cake wishes come true. love, your mama.

2009-07-10T08:41:00.000-05:00

still here.& trying to blog from this god forsaken blackberry. eff you, verizon.

2009-06-13T14:24:00.000-05:00

im still alive but cant blog on a blackberry bc blogger keeps screwing me so im cheating and making this title an entry. kthxbai

2009-04-28T21:19:00.001-05:00

spin cycle...laugh in style

2009-02-20T12:43:00.002-06:00

okay, jen, so for today's spin i have two things that crack me up.
one, when we go to lane bryant and princess sees the bras, she gets all excited and screams "boobies! BOOBIES!" over and over. while shaking her chest back and forth.
two, at christmas we took the kids to this awesome light display in carthage missouri that the vietnamese catholic church puts on. it's amazing...acres of christmas lights in displays of biblical scenes. wonderboy asked who did the lights and i told him the vietnamese. a few seconds goes by, in which he's craning his head around, and then he says "but i don't see her," sounding disappointed. puzzled, j and i asked, "see who?" wonderboy, looking still, "beauty and the beast. she's not here!"
and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why i procreated.

eeg

2009-02-19T06:19:00.001-06:00

Have already been up for three hours, because carson has an eeg today to make sure his inability to pay attention isn't actually a seizure disorder. And while I don't really think it is, the "what if" monster and the "I have always hoped this wouldn't affect my children" monster are having great fun scratching at the glass. So. Pray for an uneventful brain wave please...in a good way. :) and speaking of prayers, keep cora's family there as well...they are on the path that every parent prays every night they will never have to face. And visit cora's playground...it's at etsy so you know it's cool. I bought princess the cora paige dollie last night. Please, please support this cause.

updated to add: carson's eeg went fine, and we will know the results in a couple of days. the tech made me leave the room, which made me unhappy because i know what a seizure looks like on an eeg and wanted to see if there were any. and then she wouldn't tell me--or even hint--if she saw any; "the dr. has to read it!" and i know--I KNOW--that's her job, but still. GRR.

the macs

2009-02-17T19:51:00.004-06:00

So I want you guys to meet this amazing family who has touched my heart with their courage and faith. http://www.themcclenahans.blogspot.com/ or http://www.corapaige.blogspot.com/. Please read and give generously to cora's playground.

spin cycle!!

2009-02-13T15:51:00.000-06:00

Hi! I get to join the spin cycle again! And my phone doesn't appear to have a control key so I can't link but what the hell...you all know who jen is anyway, right? So...I love my family. Which, you know, duh. But they have done so well with this move, just rolling with it. And it was a traumatic thing to have tp move again, in less than a year after moving the first time. For my job. Which almost ceased to be at thanksgiving due to poor money management from my old hospktal...they were going to close the peds floor. And wichita, 200 miles away, was the closest one. Yeah. So I wheedled and whined until jason said ok, and we re packed and yanked up roots and left our families behind. And I had anxiety attacks because I felt selfish and my landlords a bitch and my patients are dying and clearly I am NOT cut out for this, blah blah blah. And my kids hugged me and jason held much more than my hand, he held my SANITY and I love them so much.

holy hell batman!

2009-02-12T23:11:00.001-06:00

I can blog from my new phone! Whoo to the hoo! And
Wichita getting way cooler! And princess
and wonder boy (note the new blognames...take that porn surfers)are good!
princess peed in the potty
...once! And I am way too stupid for this phone and can't see what I am
typing and why is this effing keyboard so damn small??

down for the day

2009-01-25T13:39:00.002-06:00

ok, maybe i should actually type something next time before i hit "publish." feel free to use that helpful tidbit for yourself.
so i'm down in joplin for the day. got to see some people and get a break from work. it's nice to be back and i'm trying to fight the feeling that i miss it here. i've only been there been a month so it's not like i've been there long enough to give it a go, and there's no job to come back to even if i wanted to. gonna have to leave after awhile to head back up....3 hour drive SUCKS. nothing but oil drills to look at.
so i'm not homeless, which is nice. though my landlord had her assistant call me at 0857 to tell me to pay the rent by 0900 or i'd be evicted. who the HELL gives three minutes notice? i mean, really? i reminded her that the mail didn't come until three o'clock and that my first paycheck was being mailed---all things i had told her before--and so she said i had until three.
well thanks for that! maybe i could sign it over to the mail lady in the parking lot and she could just give me the cash! i didn't get it to them until three thirty but she took it and i wasn't evicted. but seriously.
i am totally moving when my 8 month lease is up. TOTALLY MOVING OUT. hate this place SO much. love the city, love my job (but the sadness of these kids' diagnoses is killing me by inches, sometimes) but the apartment makes it hard to love where i live.
so since i'm so freaking cheerful, what are you guys up to?

things are better

2009-01-14T12:57:00.004-06:00

*breathes sigh of relief while fighting the impulse to punch my landlord in the face.*

so. i think--THINK--things are better. but don't quote me because that could change. it turns out that if i don't pay my rent by friday i am, quote, evicted. however, i can pay a reinstatement fee to reinstate my lease and then i'm not, you know, homeless.
why could she not have told me that from the effing beginning? do ya'll know how much weight i've lost due to STRESS?? not that i should bitch about weight loss, but still. grr.

and Wonderboy won an award at his new school--complete with a certificate and a medal--for following directions. feel free to leave him a comment so i can read them to him, he will LOVE that. and Princess is a terror. 'nuf said. oh, and the diabetes educator thinks i should check her blood sugar bc some of her signs and symptoms point to having diabetes. which, you know, FUCK.
so.
things are better.
how are you?
oh, and i forgot. go over to clusterfook (can't link it bc it comes to her sales page, but that's the blog title) and give lisa some love. she just ended her chemo and went on hospice care and could use support right now. and visit catherine and give maria some support for poor beaner.

ok, so just real quick...

2009-01-07T12:32:00.002-06:00

while i'm on my "executive lunch" (insert snort here) i am writing real quick to let ya'll know that i'm alive, here in wichita. it's been a bumpy start, as those of u who follow my whining on twitter have probably already realized. we were almost evicted no less than nine days after we moved in because i didn't have the full month's rent until jan 16 and i had to literally cry and beg to not be thrown out into the streets with my children. oh, and for my possessions, since if i'm evicted i only have 3 days to get both our asses and our stuff out before my stuff becomes their stuff. so i get paid the 16, barring post office screw ups (which NEVER happens, right? RIGHT???) and i have to pay in full right then or i am homeless by the 17 and possessionless by the 19.
wow. so i have had a few major anxiety attacks. catherine, i'm gonna need that ativan now. kthxbye.
but wichita is really pretty and there seems to be lots to do, once you have money. which i'm told by jason will happen someday. just not today. or tomorrow. and the little THINGS to do just bog you down, ya know? it's insane. new post office, new tags and license (but no money, so the last two don't exist yet, sorry kansas) just blah blah blah the list goes on and on. the apartment isn't unpacked yet because i live in fear i won't get my check on the right day and we'll be homeless, and may need those cardboard boxes since they are probably bigger than my car.
aren't i lively today? ya'll missed me, didn't ya. snort.
but i have hope that a) our upstairs neighbors will become quadriplegics who will QUIT STOMPING ALL NIGHT PLEASE GOD PLEASE and b) things will iron out. because they have to. the entire fate of our family rests on my shoulders, because i'm the one with the job and i'm the one who moved us here. so if it doesn't work out, it's totally my fault.
but no pressure.

it's my 50th, baby!

2008-12-22T20:00:00.003-06:00

so am i over the hill now? is there anything special i should do for my 50th post? strip naked and run down the street or something? no?
i feel so stupid, then. i only wish ya'll had told me sooner.
still packing. and packing. AND EFFING PACKING.
but i did get twitter to work. and i have a male follower. which means i have a male reader? hopefully not the porn surfer. no offense, new guy. just coverin' my bases.
my mom called me today and offered to help me move. that's the equivalent of george bush making an intellegent decision. unprecedented. i am still floored. and not exactly enthusiastic about it bc we have a difficult, convoluted relationship that basically stems around the fact that i'm pretty sure she hates me. so.....things are strange, here.
how are they with you?
edited to add: seriously, in the UK, why why WHY do you keep surfing for my daughter's name with PORN? is there a porn stare over there named that or something? srsly. someone tell me.

wait...i'm still stupid.

2008-12-20T00:19:00.003-06:00

are you surprised? just lie to me, spare my feelings. how does twitter work? do people talk about that on this new invention called the innernet? supposedly they text me or something. wanna follow me? email me....no numbers online. i already lost a follower on blogger, so we'll see how it goes. snort.

dear arwen: you are the awesomest

2008-12-19T20:45:00.003-06:00

here's the one from school, with graham crackers and a milk carton. cute, but messy. also sideways. sorry about that.

see how much better arwen's is? but still sideways. curse you, blackjack.

seriously mom, enough with the pictures. and the sideways-ness.

but this is fun.

and i heart it. thanks to the beeper.

merry christmas, love the gap toothed Wonderboy.

carson says thanks. with crappy blackjack pictures. :)

um, hi? want some stuff?

2008-12-18T11:00:00.004-06:00

i have stuff to give away. because i am moving. and need to get rid of stuff, apparantly. do you want it? let me know. and pay postage. then it's yours. :) and i'm thinking of getting a puppy. because i am STUPID. and Wonderboy wants a puppy so damn bad he can't stand it, and he's gotten ella on board. and my mom has some puppies that are--give me a minute here to work out the fraction--1/4 alaskan eskimo and 3/4 australian shephard. the mother is half and half and was bred by a different (i hope) australian shephard, and the puppies are SO cute. they look like little speckled polar bears. and the one Wonderboy (and me too, i'll admt it) has bright blue eyes.
why am i a sucker?
i keep reminding myself, hello, $250 pet deposit, and walking a dog when it's 10 effing degrees. help me stay strong, innernet.

i have a residence!!!

2008-12-15T13:46:00.003-06:00

oh, thank you, oh God for this apartment.
i am not even kidding. we drove all over freaking wichita looking for a place. found one that was a 6 bedroom 2 bath that sounded awesome but was in the ghetto and about 4 inches from the highway. with a 2 foot chain link fence that Princess could STEP over should she choose. um, veto?
then we went to the place that we were very hopeful for, who KNEW I WAS COMING, THE RAT BASTARDS, and knocked and knocked and knocked and called and called, and the little shit in the office kept looking at me but wouldn't unlock the door or answer the phone. i was pissed. dicked around there for 3 hours, off and on, trying to find the property manager to show us the 4 bedroom that we wanted.
i repeat, RAT BASTARDS.
so then i'm freaking out, right, and jason is about to admit me to the psych ward because i'm hysterically, frantically, calling every apartment place ever, and no one has anything. i called this one place that i was very hopeful for and they told me since i never sent the app in (which, truthfully, i didn't) and so they rented the place out and the new tenants were moving in today. i cried and cried. and lo and behold, not fifteen SECONDS later a different person there called me back, as i was praying so hard for God to find me a place so we wouldn't be homeless. she told me that (insert angel's choir here, please) the tenants had called and cancelled and did we still want the apartment? i told her "YES!" and she asked, "well, don't you want to see it?" i calmly asked her if the apartment was currently on fire. she paused, confused. "No?" she said hesitantly. "Then I"ll take it!" i went over and signed the papers after viewing my lovely apartment with a fireplace, beamed ceilings, dishwasher (let me repeat this for emphasis: A DISHWASHER) (reinsert angel choir here) and three pools and a sand volleyball court.
and so we have a house.

some common sense stuff for the stupid....like me

2008-12-11T20:57:00.004-06:00

so. i have found out some common sense things to help with moving. if you, like me, are a dumbass, you may find these useful, so i will list them for you.

1) coffee filters make really good scrubbers if you, like me, don't do housework and so have never actually bought a sponge. don't judge me.

2) any box labelled "picture frames" automatically goes on top of the stack. it just does. don't question it.

3) if you are allergic to bleach, you can't use kaboom. just sayin. you may get a huge rash on your hand, or something.

4) if you have children, esp a 2 year old, farm them out to the local Nike factory until you are done moving. then you get a free babysitter AND new shoes.

5) if your son has to have a big ass molar removed, it's best to do that BEFORE you start packing. because nitrous, as any peds nurse should know, is technically a sedative, and when they come off that they are WHACKED.

6) incidentally, starbucks after the said nitrous probably doesn't help. even if they do only drink hot chocolate. the caffeines in the air, or something.

7) you should wash bedding regularly, rather than piling it up in the hallway in a basket. then, you can use that bedding to wrap the picture frames you may or may not have massacred when you put a box on top of them.

so. i hope this helps. if i will just stick to my own list i will do just fine, i think. going back up to wichita tomorrow to get a place to live. *INSERT PRAYER HERE: PLEASE GOD, HALP. NEED AN APARTMENT/HOUSE/SOMETHING THAT'S NOT A CARDBOARD BOX. PLEASE.*

here. have a picture of my kids. for they look cute and nonthreatening in photographs. just watch out for the little one...she's mean.
and props to April for taking these pics. :)

random crap part eleventy frillion

2008-12-03T15:26:00.003-06:00

wanna know the best part about being lazy? when you have moved within a year and are turning right back around and moving again....
most of your boxes are still packed. because you are a lazy, lazy whore.
i knew there was a benefit to that.

whew....

2008-11-26T19:02:00.003-06:00

so Wonderboy was initially resistant, but now he's psyched. looking at apartments now. have never lived in one before....any ideas? i'm down with all the amenities but kind of freaked out about the selling of his swingset. it just seems so final, ya know?
hmph. i need to shut up or i'm gonna psych myself out.
i just emailed my notice to my (new) boss. more on that later. we'll see how this whole move goes. i have to be there, at work, on dec 29 for orientation. doesn't give me much time.
oh, an arwen? PICK ME. for some reason comments wouldn't let me leave one. bastards. but Wonderboy LOVES gingerbread houses and i LOATHE building them. PICK ME.

yay yay yay....crap

2008-11-24T17:00:00.002-06:00

i got the job
i got the job
i got the job
i got the job
.....
shit. now i have to move. with no money. but still....refer to above statements. kick ass peds unit, here i come!

oh crap. now i have to tell carson we are moving. wish me luck.

well shit

2008-11-19T11:36:00.003-06:00

guess how i started my day? by finding out that Wonderboy requires oral surgery. for that goddamn broken tooth that, if the dentist would have just FILLED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, wouldn't need to be pulled. much less extracted after an IV start and sedation.
goddammit.
and, when you interview at the most perfectest hospital ever, why do you have to wait a WEEK to find out if you get the job? WHY???
edited to add: i've decided to NOT have the oral surgery; i am just going to have the dentist use gas and pull it in the office...he doesn't want to, he's afraid he'll traumatize Wonderboy, but i know for a fact that "surgery" will drive him to drink, so it's my way or the highway on this one. and who wants to donate dinero to help me move to wichita, if i get that job?

should i stay or should i go now?

2008-11-10T20:46:00.001-06:00

i have a job interview at a pediatric unit (a KICKASS pediatric unit) in wichita. which is 198 miles from my home. which means we will move if i get the job...
wish me luck.
because my unit may be closing. which would leave me without work. holy shit.

i spy with my little eye...

2008-11-02T17:25:00.003-06:00

Wonderboy and i were playing "i spy" after my shower. i was pointing out out stuff that may have been a little difficult to a 6 year old, i guess, but i swear i thought "the bottle with yellow liquid and red words" would be apt enough to describe the windex for kitchens, but whatever. so Wonderboy schooled me in the art of "i spy." "mom, mom....I spy, with my little eye, something blue and white and HAT SHAPED!" i pretended to look puzzled (i almost typed flummoxed, because it sounds like something dr. seuss would say. or am i thinking of a lorax?) and then said, "OH! is it this blue and white HAT???" Wonderboy excitedly said "yeah! good job mom!" i laughed, telling him how tricky he was. "it wasn't too tricky, though, right, mom?" "i mean, it's just daddy's hat."
guess that'll learn me.

happy belated halloween, betches

2008-11-01T20:45:00.003-05:00

did you know they eat their young?

carved by tif and Wonderboy 10/30/08

so whats up?

2008-10-25T04:20:00.004-05:00

it's spin cycle time, betches. i have missed, oh, a frillion now, so i will recap what i remember about the ones i've missed. i have no anger management skills other than venting a lot. and cussing loudly. i am deathly, horribly afraid something awful will happen to my children and i know i wouldn't be able to cope with that. or that something will happen to ME and my husband won't be able to cope with day to day stuff like medications and dentist appts and lunch money. and for this week, i am laughing as i remember playing a trick on both my high school principal and the police department in my town. my senior year i went trick or treating (shuttup) with a fellow cheerleader, a guy named mike. mike was HAWT. and i dressed him up in drag. he had on a wig, whore house wonder bitch makeup (extra bonus points of fake awesome if you know where that phrase came from) a black skin tight halter top dress, and heels. it was nice. i had on a prom dress. we went as chicks. cause we're creative. so anyway, a lot of candy and some probable alcohol later, we ended up at our principal's house (read: MAJOR ASSHOLE). we toilet papered the house and the tree and were just getting out the eggs and pumpkins when red and blue lights came on behind us. shit. totally busted, right?
WRONG.
i had mike put his head down so the wig covered his face. mike had a bit of a reputation with the cops there. something about not being allowed in city limits. i, on the other hand, was national honor society, blah blah blah nice girl. so i talked and convinced the police officer we had found these two kids with very vague descriptions--they were tall, i think? and probably blonde?--vandalizing dickweed's house. so i got out my cellphone to call the cops and they left. so we picked up the pumpkins to take home for our own use.
haaaa.
and they bought it. lock, stock, and barrel. they drove off and we left. and i don't remember what all we did but i'm fairly certain probable alcohol was indeed involved. at my house, with my mom. cause i'm a rebel.

i hate you computer. HATE YOU SO MUCH.

2008-10-21T09:11:00.004-05:00

so just in case a single person on the internet missed it, baby tivo has arrived! go on over to amalah's site and welcome ezra harrington storch, and wish her luck in getting his frenulum fixed on thursday.
and have ya'll ben to andrea's site, life happins? it's with karin and stella (LOVE me some stella), and karin just named her blog. and thanked me. but it was katie who named it, so i (hopefully) fixed that. sorry, katie.
Wonderboy's tooth broke. in half. all the way down to the gum...the tooth that i have asked the dentist to permanently fill a hundred frillion times now. dammit. now his first missing tooth gets to be an extraction. that won't be traumatic or anything. and this makes me nervous as i just went to the dentist the other day and now have a dentist bill with a comma in it. A FUCKING COMMA. my front two teeth got cavities in them when Wonderboy was about two, and i got them filled immediately. which apparantly did me no good at all as they have been refilled about 8 times since then. and one of the fillings wasn't even permanent. le fuck? you think my last dentist would have maybe clued me into that little detail. but NOOO. so now the cavity has spread into the nerve and i need a root canal and a crown on both. which even with insurance will be about $1100 out of pocket. and did i mention i HATE teeth? give me a scalp iv on a newborn anyday, or a nasopharyngeal wash (translation: suck a lot of snot out of a baby's nose and spray it into saline) anyday, anytime. i'll do mrsa gladly. teeth make me sick. literally nauseous. especially mine. and when you get your front teeth numbed it numbs all the way to your BRAIN. christmas gifts? what are those? mommy needs teeth. her two front teeth, actually. and no, it isn't funny. ok, maybe a little. but still.
Princess looks so dam cute today. i went on etsy and got a pillowcase dress from Lomah Acres that is a ghost, and she has pumpkin tights and the worlds biggest damn halloween hairbow. so cute. if she didn't have a snotty nose i might just eat her.
now if only they had cute clothes for big boys on there. but i am not finding them.
and i HATE my computer. this bastard of a machine is keeping me from blogging and i am pissed. it sucks to check blogs on a blackjack. maybe if it were an iPhone...bnut no. i need teeth. TEETH. i have to go now...i taste bile.

edited to add: why no comments??? i miss you ppl! make me feel pretty!

testing from craptivity

2008-10-14T17:34:00.003-05:00

so...i'm testing our craptastic backup computer here. keep in mind i can't even see what i'm typing because of the lag...i mean...this computer is AWESOME! and i love it. it's wonderful. please don't kill me, computer. i'll be good next time. and really, just the fact that i was able to get here in under an hour is a miracle. sent from god. or maybe hindi, since i typed their language yesterday...maybe they feel appeased, or something. i'm just happy that i'm not completely cut off from the outside world. here's the rule for tag, since my half ass instructions weren't clear, or something, lol. pick the fourth picture in your files, post it, tell it's story, and then tag four new people. make me proud.

oh, hey UK...

2008-10-13T22:24:00.005-05:00

so, people? in the UK? who keep googling "insert popular search phrase here which involves my daughter's name and porn" and "and again here, which i am removing because, seriously" QUIT BEING SICK FUCKS AND COMING TO MY BLOG. MINE. WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY A MOMMY BLOG. SRSLY.
and, you, from maine? who wants to know if "focalin can be cooked into a rock?" SERIOUSLY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???????
GET OFF MY EFFIN LAWN!!
so...blog names, anyone? i still like prototype a and b.
and check out my teenage vampire boyfriend (shuttup, it is to legal if they're a century old, just ask someone over at mamapop) on the bottom of the page. wanted him to the side but it kept cutting off his head.

hai, huband killed computer. send booze.

2008-10-13T21:30:00.015-05:00

hai, innernet! ya'll are so sweet, asking where i am. thanks! it's nice to know that if i go on a rage spree on, i dunno, old people who HIT PERFECTLY GOOD SCION XA'S you guys will notice when i'm in county. how are things? i am blogging from a friend's computer because, in case the title wasn't clear enough, jason ANNIHILATED ours. goddammit. and then the virus "protection" we got at walmart (fuck symantec. and the horse the rode in on) ANNIHILATED the back up. not that walmart would take it back...that is apparently a "copy right" violation. it probably didn't look good that i was all, "look, if i was gonna illegally burn antivirus software i'd buy the really expensive one, not the el cheapo $20 one, right?" that didn't, um, exactly help. but seriously. and i've missed two, TWO, spin cycles and i'm pissed. and jen, technically it's the wicked witch from the wizard of oz, but we know her real name. because we're cool like that.

and i've been tagged, apparently, to give ya'll the fourth picture in something or other. so here goes. maybe. keep in mind i have NO MORE PICTURES JESUS SHIT left since hard drive is all fried and shit, so these are photos from my black jack. this is a pic of Wonderboy holding a humongous caterpillar that "has lots of hair! and long black spiky things! on his BUTT!" (imagine butt stretched out to make two separate words, here, people. behold the six year old.) (also, ignore my pointy fingernails of certain death.) "but i pulled those off...he doesn't need hair on his BUTT, right?" indeed.

and i have a question, for all of you with little girls. do they wear hairbows? because i make them and am (gulp) interested in selling them. i have several set aside for pip and andrea if she'd ever GIVE ME HER ADDRESS, AGAIN, HINT HINT (sorry i deleted that email, btw). so...anyone interested? whenever i can have time and computer access i'll download some pics and show ya'll what i make. leave me a comment and i'll send you my email addy if u r interested.

ok, pimping done। now back to regularly scheduled (if now intermittent, due to lack of a computer) happy.

एडिटेडतो अदद: वेट...आईटी'स टाइपिंग इन अरबिक और सोमेथिंग। फुक्क। हंग ओं। ओके, एडिटेड टा दद, इ फोर्गोत तो टैग पीपुल!

ha! whoops! sorry about the hindi, there. my bad. what i said was, (what? you can't read that?) that i forgot to tag people to play the game. i have to tag four. so i pick andrea, sarah, brandi, and danny. go team.

now back to previously scheduled happy

2008-10-04T10:07:00.009-05:00

so. hai, innernet! i am in such a better mood, i just can't tell you. the horribleness that was september is behind us and so far october is really good. except lestat has fleas. but other than that...Wonderboy's med is stabilizing. without upping the dosage. so that's good. Princess is talking more and shrieking (slightly) less. awesomeness. i got the elphaba doll at mcdonalds today. also good. work got 4 admits in 60 minutes and I WASN'T THERE. hahahaha. and i'm going butt wild today and getting an expensive ass pumpkin spice frappcucino. god bless starbucks. now if they would just serve that, and cranberry bliss bars, all year long...they'd get a lot more of my business.

oj simpson found guilty! lol. bout time. andrea has a new entry up. ALSO ABOUT TIME, WOMAN. :) now if miss doxie would just write something. and baby tivo would arrive.

so what's your favorite holiday? ours is halloween. Wonderboy is going to be bumblebee from transformers and Princess will be a pumpkin, which is a horrible cliched outfit i swore i'd never do until i saw this. mwah haha. i kind of wanted to have them be a themed something; last year he was a pirate and she was an octopus (we told him she was the cracken from pirates of the Caribbean); i was thinking blue from blue's clues and joe. but he really wanted to be bumblebee. we went and ate breakfast today, just the two of us, and ran some errands. some awesome postal worker (yes, you read that right) gave him a puzzle made of "stamps" that are about 10x12 inches, and makes all the marvel characters. he is PSYCHED. sat right down in the floor and put it together why we were there. and i think maybe i have just started rambling now....here, look! halloween awesomeness from last year! and......i got nothing. oh wait, i take it back. i AM pissed. MY STUPID EFFING LINKS AREN'T WORKING. for some reason, it keeps putting http://www.blogger.com/ in front of all the damn addresses. so you can get the gist of the blog addys i'm talking about, because i just had an embolism and took the link off. DAMN YOU BLOGSPOT for not letting me edit them consistently, you freaking asshole. the other link is working, for some reason. grrrr. i have to go now so i can channel back my previous happy.

i have no thoughts for a title here

2008-10-02T16:30:00.005-05:00

so. i feel a little better. this whole month (well not THIS month, but last month. you know.) was just craptastic. shittacular. effing sucked.
it just kind of didn't go well, ya know? so, to recap:
Wonderboy was diagnosed with adhd. which is good, in a "burns like slow torture" kind of way. kind of like making out with your best guy friend....good for a second, then totally not worth it when the hours of indecision and angst catch up with you. not saying the diagnosis wasn't worth it, just...sigh. it burns to give up that image of perfection for your kid, even when you know it's a lie, and that no kid is perfect.
then, THEN, the focalin that i praised multiple religious deity's for, apparently has a "honeymoon" period. which would be that period of awesome behavior. then, like alcoholism, they backslide. so then we upped the dose. and HOLY GOD had to decrease it to cut the aggression/irritability/tantrums. so now we are back on 5 mg, not 10, but i think he needs the 7.5, which i can't afford until tomorrow when i get paid.
did i mention i'm broke? like always horribly broke? like using at least 2/3 of my $600 overdraft protection EVERY TWO WEEKS broke? but still make too much money to qualify for anything that might just cut a slight break for a couple of months to get our feet back under us? and i know i'm lucky to have a job, a career, when the economy sucks so much ass, but i hate being the working poor. everyone told me life "would be so much easier when you get done with college/go to college." and guess what. not so much. just one set of worries exchanged for another.
i didn't get in to grad school. but they have no idea why. my app is "under review" because "you are just as qualified as the people who got in, maybe more so, ohmygod, i don't understand what happened, do you want to reapply for winter?" so. *bangs head on wall at this point.*
i had to have a mammogram. seriously. and yet, no solution as to my boob-itis. wtf? it's like medieval torture, without any benefits.
apparently games can be beta tested online. for a million hours. by my husband. nuff said.
but, in his defense, that is improving. and he cleaned and cooked today. so i'll shut up now.
SOME ASSHOLE HIT MY CAR. i hate old people. the end.
jason's seizures spiked again. he is now on the highest dose of topamax he can be on--400 mg a day, people, holy god--without going into, you know, renal/hepatic failure. no big or anything. and if they aren't better in a little less than a week we have to wean off--which will take at least a month--while weaning ON to keppra. do you know what happens when you titrate seizure meds for epileptics? hint: get the fucking ativan. put in the magic koolaid and pass it around.
Princess's manners DIED. they are dead. there is no good behavior. or there might be, but i can't hear it over the BLOOD CURDLING SCREAMING.
so. it's been a little rough. and i've been a bitch, and probably a drag to read. but things are getting better. jason made a cd today with a really sweet song on there, for me. his song to me. that smoothed out a lot of rough edges. and Wonderboy's teacher was horrified when i reminded her that he didn't get to eat lunch with her when he earned his 10 HARD EARNED stickers, and he gets to eat lunch with her tomorrow, just him and her. he is way excited. that helps, too. and humor blogs likes me! they really like me! now rate me, for their site. k? k. thanks. how have ya'lls lives been? better? worse? let me know.

why i suck as a parent, part eleventy frillion and two

2008-09-30T08:20:00.004-05:00

so. i'm just gonna throw this out there. i go yesterday to pick Wonderboy up from school, something j usually does since i get up at the ass crack of dawn to get him ready and take him to school. Wonderboy comes running to the car, sees me, grins, frowns, skids to a stop. and just stares. tensely. he gets in, avoiding my eyes. i make an assumption. "you got in trouble, didn't you?" i ask. "yes," he sighs. "what did you do?" "I talked in the bathroom." (oh no, not talking in the bathroom! the shame! the horror! the who gives a shit anyway if he's quiet in the classroom?) but i rode his ass about it. hard. "your medicine is helping you, a lot, but that doesn't mean you can just stop trying, Wonderboy! you have gotten in trouble for this consistently since school started! learn to shut up!" and then proceeded in my awesomeness. "what else did you do?" "I don't know, but i missed my last recess and i miss first recess tomorrow." "so no fun friday? already? you're ONE DAY IN and you have already lost fun friday?" i snapped at him.
in my defense, i was so excited for him (and for me, i'll admit it) that he got to do fun friday. unfortunately for him (and me) he has only gotten to do it one time. he just can't be quiet. ever. ever ever ever. and i blame sarah palin. or something.
then i proceeded to rant and rave about his teacher has never made him miss recess for talking before, he must have done something else. he denied. i persisted. he cried. i got madder...at him, and myself. but i persisted. i sent him to his room with sarcastic remarks. his dad went in to talk to him. that also went badly. carson was bawling, making up stories about stuff that might have gotten him in trouble. but we didn't KNOW they were stories. so i whipped out the "i'm calling your teacher" line and he went INSANE. bawled and begged me not to. well, i did. i had to know what happened.
her answer? "we had a really good day today. i just couldn't get him to be quiet so he has to miss a recess tomorrow."
and.........i suck.
i think, for all my education and career experience and knowledge of adhd meds, when there was an instantaneous reaction i just kept expecting it to get better. not for his body to adjust and then backslide a little. not to increase the dose and holy god! too much! back it down! like we had to. yesterday was his first day back on the low dose. and yet i persisted to yell at him. i may as well yell and scream at the diabetic girl in his class for not controlling her own blood sugar. jesus. i feel so bad right now. and yet i keep snipping at him for acting like a KID, not a pod person. why? WHY? oh right...because i suck. really bad.
no seriously, someone tell me why. i feel so terrible and i need someone to show me the light. slap me if you must, i can take it. just let me in on the "bad mommy moments and how to stop them" secret, if you please.

why nursing irritates me sometimes

2008-09-25T13:26:00.004-05:00

ok ya'll. andrea wanted me to put this in so she could link to me. let me make this very clear: I DID NOT WRITE THIS. THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHERE I WORK OR ANYONE I WORK WITH. this is a forward i got that describes exactly WHY nursing can be such a crappy job sometimes. i relate with this lady, i really do, just probably on a smaller scale. i get very frustrated when we get children in severe respiratory distress who have parents who leave constantly to smoke, and come back reeking of it. i get really pissy when kids are all alone and their parents come in smelling like beer. i get absolutely effing furious when we get foster kids, broken and scarred, sometimes beyond repair, who talk of nothing but their mommy and daddy who are coming to get them because they love them so much when they aren't bad. or when those same parents call and have the AUDACITY to tell me how to care for their child. i am a nurse, which has several other responsibilities. i get that. i understand that i am a patient advocate in every sense of the word. that does not, however, mean i am their slave, or their babysitter, or their freaking waitress. i am here for their health and safety, not their amusement and need for cheese and crackers. i love my job, my career, my patients. but God, sometimes it's a lot to take. the following, in blue, is the forward i got.

Interesting reading from an INSIDER that actually worked endlessly at one of the shelters--a letter she sent to the Times and to Bill O'Reilly.
Dear Editor, I am a nurse who has just completed volunteer working approximately 120 hours as the clinic director in a Hurricane Gustav evacuation shelter in Shreveport , Louisiana over the last 7 days. I would love to see someone look at the evacuee situation from a new perspective. Local and national news channels have covered the evacuation and 'horrible' conditions the evacuees had to endure during Hurricane Gustav. True - some things were not optimal for the evacuation and the shelters need some modification. At any point, does anyone address the responsibility (or irresponsibility) of the evacuees?> Does it seem wrong that one would remember their cell phone, charger, cigarettes and lighter but forget their child's insulin? Is something amiss when an evacuee gets off the bus, walks immediately to the medical area, and requests immediate free refills on all medicines for which they cannot provide a prescription or current bottle (most of which are narcotics)?> Isn't the system flawed when an evacuee says they cannot afford a $3 copay for a refill that will be delivered to them in the shelter yet they can take a city-provided bus to Wal-mart, buy 5 bottles of Vodka, and return to consume them secretly in the shelter?> Is it fair to stop performing luggage checks on incoming evacuees so as not to delay the registration process but endanger the volunteer staff and other persons with the very realistic truth of drugs, alcohol and weapons being brought into the shelter? Am I less than compassionate when it frustrates me to scrub emesis from the floor near a nauseated child while his mother lies nearby, watching me work 26 hours straight, not even raising her head from the pillow to comfort her own son? Why does it insense me to hear a man say 'I ain't goin' home 'til I get my FEMA check' when I would love to just go home and see my daughters who I have only seen 3 times this week? Is the system flawed when the privately insured patient must find a way to get to the pharmacy, fill his prescription and pay his copay while the FEMA declaration allows the uninsured person to acquire free medications under the disaster rules? Does it seem odd that the nurse volunteering at the shelter is paying for childcare while the evacuee sits on a cot during the day as the shelter provides a 'daycare'? Have government entitlements created this mentality and am I facilitating it with my work? Will I be a bad person, merciless nurse or poor Christian if I hesitate to work at the next shelter because I have worked for 7 days being called every curse word imaginable feeling threatened and fearing for my personal safety in the> shelter? Exhausted and battered, Sherri Hagerhjelm, RN

edited to add: this is also not a privacy violation in any way. my examples were just that, examples. do i see them a lot? yes. were they about specific patients, or give any information? no. just making sure we are all clear here (no offense).

oh, never mind, it's cool

2008-09-25T06:50:00.004-05:00

ok, so i checked again and it turns out that most people are searching "insert daughter's name here" as potential baby names. only 2 of 7 or something had the word "p0rn" attached. hmm. still a need for blog names? not sure. but thinking maybe.
yesterday sucked so bad. just one of those days, ya know? or should i say, one of those weeks. my depo was due, so HELLO HORMONES, how are you? bitchy? me, too! let's eat chocolate. and then i go to walmart because my stepmom stole ella's carseat AGAIN (on accident, but still) to buy a new damn carseat to avoid this problem in the future and some old bastard HIT. MY. CAR. my AWESOME car that i bought BRAND FREAKING NEW. oh, i was hot. and when i see this, they come to their car, and i politely told the lady "you guys seem to have hit my car." their license plate was ON TOP of mine, people. explain the physics of ME hitting THEM. which is what they accused me of. then her huband has the nerve to sidle up to me, glaring, and snap "what the hell's your problem??" i almost stroked. i told him "move your fucking POS off of MY car RIGHT NOW or we will have an issue." he left the scene! this, THIS, is why old people shouldn't drive. bastards. and there was no damage, but still. it's just the point. they were so freaking entitled and self righteous and accusatory. i'm still mad about that.
Wonderboy's focalin gets increased today. i think he needs the bump, now that he's used to the 5mg he is having behavioral issues again like before, but he's still so much better i'm afraid to mess with it, ya know? the side effects of too high of a dose are aggressiveness and irritibility. hmm. of course, that could just be genetics from me, so who's to say?
anyone piss ya'll of lately? tell me about it. jen, maybe this could be a spin cycle sometime. and i'm uninstalling intense debate........no clue how to work it. it's the comment thingy mamapop uses and i use it there all the time but have no clue how to use it here. so off it goes.
oh, and don't forget......
GREY'S ANATOMY STARTS TONIGHT! WITH THE OGLING OF PATRICK DEMPSEY! WHOO HOO!
edited: added site meter instead of statcounter....did you know stat counter only gives you 500 entries, and then you have to pay for it to get any more info? how much does that suck? site meter is free, all the time, and analyzes the search words a little better. lets hope for no more p0rn.

omfg

2008-09-23T08:29:00.003-05:00

so i may have to give my kids blog names. now that i know what SOME SICK FUCKS out there are searching for.
ella jolie porn.
seriously???? help me think of names. i was thinking of prototype a and b. too utilitarian? and someone comment so i can test this intense debate thingy. not thinking i did it right but when i comment it doesn't register on intense debate so i'm having a hard time testing it. and now i have two stat counters, which i don't need, and KNOW i don't need, but i am html illiterate here and just trying to get this damn thing to work. grr.
but srsly, ya'll, PORN??? with my daughter's name? did i name her after a porn star or something?? *head implodes*
edited to add: intense debate is the comment feature on mamapop that you log into over there to leave comments. when i signed up it let me put my blog in and says that comments on my blog will register...or something. no clue what i'm doing here. and i got 25 visitors today and now i'm afraid they're all looking for porn.

belated spin cycle....confessions

2008-09-22T19:12:00.008-05:00

so i racked my brain trying to come up with something to confess. my methadone habit? the fact that i'm secretly a 67 yr old man who wears depends? that i'm a capricorn?

you can see how it's hard to choose. but....i must confess. i may have two new men in my life. i can watch them over and over again, take full advantage of their talent, and never feel bad about it. they brighten my day when i watch them. and they're even cooler because they are foreign, right? which means a cool accent.

behold: my new boyfriends and their talent of kick-assness. they live at youtube.
go ogle my boyfriends and tell me what you think. and see what jen has to offer.

met the foc(alin)-ers

2008-09-20T00:21:00.005-05:00

hi, it looks like i'm back from whatever hiatus i was on there. not that i've done anything cool. oh wait, i saved kids' at work with my superior nursing skills.
or not. but whatever. wait, that sounds like someone died. no one died.
i'm rambling, aren't i?
so. guess what. Wonderboy's appt for adhd eval went awesome. total, complete, awesomeness was in that pediatrician's office. he scored so high on the "Focusing problems" and "hyperactivity" areas on his vanderbilt forms that she knew coming in what she was in for. and we know each other, since i work for her and all and have called her at 2 am dozens of times. i was worried that would create a barrier or something (lo, for i am dumb) but it helped. we are now on day 3 of focalin xr.
let's all take a minute here and THANK WHATEVER RELIGIOUS DEITY YOU FEEL LIKE for the rock-onness that is focalin xr.
thanks.
focalin has instantaneous action without the nasty little side effects, for the most part. he is still eating, no nervous tics, sleeping at night, no aggressiveness. and people, let me just tell you...
we got our first good note home. and our first fun friday. and he made apple cake. and actually tried it. and loved it. (he has a mild sensory processing disorder and does. not. try. new food. EVER.). he's focusing when he comes home, putting his stuff away, playing well, no more effing repetitive noises for 15 hours a day. it's heaven. for him. and vicariously for me, now. i am so relieved. so happy for him. so wishing i hadn't delayed. but dr. said that i did the right thing, she doesn't like to medicate kids at all, much less kindergartner's. she wants them to take a year to adjust to a school setting and see what problems they grow out of.
i am just so freaking grateful that this worked. thank you all for your kind words and prayers and animal sacrifices. it seems to have worked.
p.s. coming soon....6 yr olds running aimlessly (translation: playing flag football on a real team): the photo essay. and i would spin cycle right now but typepad is down and i can't.

Princess the noisy

2008-09-13T09:56:00.005-05:00

it seems like i haven't written about Princess in awhile. let me tell you what she says most now.
(insert blood curdling scream here) (and here) (and again)
it's awesome. i wish i had it on video so you could enjoy it, too. (and here).
she will be 2 on dec 1, and there's so much she can do. she can say "excuse me," and "peeze and tank you." only now it's always "tank you, ella!" when she thanks anyone for anything. she loves spongebob and blue's clues and the little mermaid. she calls disney princesses a bunch of racist bastards, i mean, "her babies." she tells me "poopy in my biaper." she's so funny.
(and here)
and yet..the screaming. aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh the screaming. and the no napping. did i mention that? the no napping? because it seems to increase the screaming exponentially. but she won't sleep. and if she does she's up all night. with the screaming. (and here).
but i still feel so lucky to have her. and my carson. they are so noisy but so fun. and he has a dr appt on tuesday for adhd eval. we'll see how it goes. (and here). wish us luck.
and now i will try to link on another post to see if i have finally figured out how to do it. we'll see. no laughing.
(and here).
edited to add: i had to take princess's real name off of this post, and this blog, actually (wonderboy's, too) because people were searching it for porn. so, eff you, porn searchers coming to a mommy blog, because my kids have awesome names and now i can't use them.

spin cycle...embarassment

2008-09-12T13:52:00.003-05:00

ok, this one is so effing cringeworthy. not even kidding. i'm seriously blushing just thinking of this and now i'm thinking of lying. but ya'll have to trust me, this really happened.
so. j and i have been together since i was 18 and he was almost 20. we met when i was in sixth grade and he was in eighth, and sat across from each other in study hall. he's an amazing artist, and can do caricatures of people in about 2 seconds flat, and taught me how. but he was two years older than me and didn't see the worship behind the stirrup pants and vests and big glasses, and it didn't work out til he'd already graduated. but anyway.
so i was a really good girl in high school. didn't party, no sex, no girls gone wild (much....i was a varsity cheerleader, ya'll. some of those rumors are spread for a reason). i was always the "babysitter," the "smart one," the "Tif, can i see your chemistry homework" one. and i hated it. i wanted to just cut loose....but softly, if you get me. no waking up hung over staring in horror at the person next to me or anything. just....not so national honor society. and then j and i started dating and i got my chance.
so we'd been together MONTHS at this point, and things had...progressed, if you get me. and things happened to...progress...that day. in his bedroom, upstairs. while unbeknownst to me, his parents were downstairs. their house is over 100 years old with hardly any insulation. noises aren't muffled. ever. and i was a little too into the...progression. unaware i had an audience.
my cheeks are so red right now, remembering this.
so....i catch on, hearing them through the vents after the progression had progressed out. and i am so mortified my plan is to a) go out the window and over the roof to my car, not all that unfeasible, really, or b)sneak out the back door through the kitchen and sprint around the house. i was all for a but jason made me compromise on b. so he talks me downstairs (not an innuendo, pervs) and i'm getting ready to sneak through the kitchen when that RAT FINK BASTARD gets an evil look/smirk and says "just a minute." i catch on immediately and tell him no effing way, but he grabs my hand and YANKS me into the living room, laughing and saying "meet your audience, babe!"
no i'm not kidding. and it gets worse. infinitely worse.
so now i'm dead, and i'm sitting on the couch not looking at anyone but my own lap, blushing so red i could maybe actually die from it. i have red hair so it's uber obvious when i'm emotional at all. jason's dad is a red head too, and was usually nice, so when he started asking me questions i jumped on answering them, trying to change the subject.
"it sure is hot today, eh, tif?" i agreed. still blushing. "yeah....i hate it when the weather gets this hot, don't you," he continues. i agree again, and add, "yeah, it gets too hot to do anything." he smirks and says "really? BECAUSE IT'S NOT TOO HOT FOR SCROGGIN', NOW IS IT?"
And then i died. for real. this post is brought to you by my ghost incarnate.
the end.
edited to add (to see if i have figured out how to link WITH NO HELP FROM YA'LL....jen has these spin cycles every friday. ya'll should play, too.

9/11

2008-09-11T17:14:00.003-05:00

i feel like in the light of 9/11 i should write something profound, something meaningful and memorable to commerate what happened on that day. i was pregnant with carson, but still unaware. i was attending the university of arkansas in fayetteville and living in the shittiest dorm ever. i went to use the community bathroom (think tons of naked chicks all the time. srsly, all the time. i wouldn't let j come to the dorm it was so bad) and some (naked) chic was screaming about the twin towers collapsing. i just stared at her and then ran back to my room and turned on the tv and picked up the phone to call my dad. i saw the first tower crumbling and was just absolutely in shock. i saw the second plane hit and the tower fall, heard everyone screaming, saw the huge cloud of dust. physically felt the pain as thousands of human lives were snuffed out like so much dust surrounding the area.
i called my dad, who was in the air force, in a panic. "what do i do? do i go to class? do i come home? what's going to happen?" he told me to go to class, but keep my head down. there were absolutely no arab students to be seen that day.
i write about this because carson told me today, on his way to a haircut, "did you know that a long time ago, when i was still in your tummy, people in planes died?" i was half-listening, "no, what?" i said, noncommital. "the twin towers. they got knocked down by planes and lots of people died. we learned about it in school." i froze. i looked at him in the mirror and he was earnestly staring at me, brown eyes wide. "did you know that, mom? do you remember? i think i heard to planes hit while i was in your belly. i remember."
part of me is glad he is educated about the terrors that can befall people any day, to keep him aware and awed by our country's sheer LUCK that we don't have to go through this kind of tragedy daily, like in rwanda or ethiopia. we have food, if not a lot of money. we have a house, a cat that's a pet and not a future food source. we have a car and medicines to control our chronic health problems. his adhd and ella's eczema and j and i's seizures, all controllable (hopefully) by medication, still make us lucky. lucky that we can even think about, nag and bitch about, trivial problems like that. and rejoice that we still have all of our limbs, our eyes, our family. that the militia can't come kill us for using birth control or talking bad about our government.
and part of me is horrified that a small part of his childhood has been eaten by this tragedy. and yet i feel egotistical just typing that. because thousands of children weren't affected, tiffany? because they didn't lose parents or family members or their own lives? get a grip. why should he be unaffected?
but i wish he were. that we all were. and to everyone who suffered unduly for bin ladin's sake on 9/11, i am so truly sorry for you.

my husband is a tool

2008-09-10T15:25:00.005-05:00

grrr. my husband set the computer up so that i have "limited use" because i put two of his stupid games in the recycle bin. so now i can't update my blog on my login. why? because the computer hates me. apparantly. it's the only thing that make sense. he has brainwashed the computer to fuck with me. i am so mad. and then he put a password on his "administrator" log in so i can't get on his to update my blog. the only reason i'm typing this right now is because he forgot to log off. and when i asked him his password last night so i could get on he threw a big fit at me! ASSHOLE.
p.s. maybe it isn't very mature to bitch about him on my blog but damn it makes me feel better. freakin' tool.
edited to add....ya'll are some sneaky bitches. i love ya.

tit squeeze '08

2008-09-08T17:36:00.004-05:00

so.....i now look like i'm 80. big flat tubesock boobies that feel like they're getting rugburn. i went in and they were all, "well, since you're so young we are just going to do an ultrasound, m'kay? we don't want to do a mammogram if we don't absolutely have to." i was ok with no squeezage, so i agreed. so my radiology tech and i got VERY friendly and she showed me the whole inside of both boobs (kind of cool, really). there was a cyst but nothing major. they said to wait and the dr. would come talk to me and then i was done.

LIARS.

the radiology tech comes in about 5 minutes later and says, "the dr. wants you to have a mammogram." and smiles like it's fucking christmas. eh? did i miss something? i told her " i thought we weren't doing that. since i'm so young, and all." she averts her eyes and says "the dr. just thinks it would be a good idea."

AWESOME.

so i go back to the waiting room, which is now full of old women in their little capes of boob showage, like mine, only they weren't wearing robes. now i'm definitely getting some new girls in the future, if you know what i'm saying. we'll be starting a fund for that today on the other side of the blog. jesus. i get called back (and by now my aunt is officially freaking the fuck out, convinced i'm dying) and this way to a way too chipper lady who keeps violating my boobage and squishing the ever. living. shit. out. of them. i swear to god they squished out so far they looked like dinner plates. jen asked in the comments a couple days ago what fruit to compare them to, and i guess a honeydew (her first guess) is pretty close. only now it's more like a serving platter.

the good news is that they saw the cyst, and some dilated ducts, but no cancer or anything scary. they said there's a possibility i may have a papilloma (sp?), which is a small tumor that grows inside dilated ducts and can cause nipple discharge, my reason for going (sorry for the TMI). i guess they can run a small operative camera THROUGH MY NIPPLE to see. i declined. probably not politely.

so i guess i'm good? now i'm gonna go ice my girls and maybe eat a salad off them.
before the torture....and after.

to which i say...

2008-09-07T18:13:00.005-05:00

FUCK ADOBE. in the ASS.
i loved my adobe when j got it for me. now, i hope it dies. slowly and painfully. preferably many times. IT WON'T UPLOAD MY EFFING PICTURES. it lets me make "scrapbooks" and then won't put them on flickr. and then when i emailed the scrapbook to myself to see if it worked before i emailed it to the person i made it for, it....and get ready for this shit....
sent me pictures of leta. that's right, leta. as in dooce's daughter. i was reading her archives yesterday and saw her baby pictures. and somehow my computer and adobe have conspired against me and her pictures were included in my scrapbook.
how the HELL did that happen?
dooce, if you're reading, I DID NOT TAKE THESE PICTURES. i have NO CLUE what happened.
so...im pissed. at adobe. and now everything else. and i have no mt. dew. and i have a mammogram tomorrow. and i feel like saying fuck again.
fuck.

spin cycle...impressions

2008-09-05T15:59:00.007-05:00

jen over at sprite's keeper does a spin cycle every friday. i missed the last two weeks so here's a go for next week.

so, first impressions. hmmmm. i have a snippet in my profile that says i have the "white trash mom gene." this story should reinforce that for you.

carson was four when he wanted his ears pierced. begged and begged and BEGGED. I said no, you're too little. then my nephew got his done, and he's 6 months younger than carson. kind of blew my argument. so i tried a different take. "they'll make fun of you;" "they'll call you a girl." carson looked up at me with all the confidence of a four year old and stated "i have a penis, mom. i know i'm a boy." ok, then. and then as the final blow he offered to use his summer school money from our school ($100 if you go every day) to pay for it.

so what's a mom to do, right?

so. we go to walmart to get his ears pierced, as they pierced ella's. i actually know how to pierce (it can't be any harder than starting a scalp iv in a newborn with down syndrome) but i can't pierce my own kids. blech. but the lady at walmart, whom i've known for years, wasn't there. and i didn't trust the other lady. and i couldn't quite make myself go to a piercing parlor. (hypocrite, much?) so we went to the mall, sat down at icing, and got started.

here's where that first impression comes in.

carson has skater hair, you can see that from his pictures. so this lady--we'll call her the Christopher Banks groupie--walks by and sees all that hair, and ella in her stroller, and smiles. then she stops, gapes at carson, turns around to glare at me through the glass--me, who had been smiling at her, thinking "wow, she's pretty accepting"--and very clearly calls me "white trash."

WTF?

i didn't even think, i just calmly told j to take the stroller. J knows me pretty well after almost 8 years together (6 at the time) and slightly panics and tells me to "just calm down. she's a bitch, forget about her." i just walked outside of icing and said, loudly as she walked away quickly in her cheap payless heels, "i'm sorry, did you have something to say to me?" she tried speeding up and i said "yes, you....the bleached blonde in the cheap heels." she turned around and proceeds to tell me that i'm a white trash individual and my son will grow up to be a thug due to my poor parenting choices. and i lost it.

i walked up to her and hissed "who the HELL do you think you are? you can insult me all damn day but don't you DARE talk about my kids, you snotty, intolerant bitch." she's pretty surprised and just kind of stares at me with her mouth open. i proceeded to tell her that she approximately 5 seconds to sashay her ass down that walkway or she'd see EXACTLY how whitetrash i could be. and she clicked away so fast you'd of thought i set her on fire.

now this isn't about my first impression on her...she made that clear. this is about my first impression to the poor girl piercing carson's ears, lol. i came back in--the whole thing took about a minute--and she's cleaning his earlobes while staring at me open mouthed. i sighed, thinking i'd probably scared the hell out of her.

then she beams. "you," she said, "are the coolest mom EVER." and i beamed, too.carson at age 4(ish), sporting his bling and some gogurt.
edited to add (thank you insomnia) now i am afraid i gave you all the wrong impression, that i'm psychotic with a hair trigger who hates payless shoes. that couldn't be further than the truth...my closet is full of a few good brands and then tons of payless heels and flats, myself. :)

oh hai, insomnia

2008-09-04T04:47:00.002-05:00

so...it's 4:effing:44 AM here in mo. how are you? the kids? things going well?
did i mention my insurance won't pay for ambien?
so...two things. first, and most important, is go to maria's site at immoralmatriarch.com and give her some love; her family is facing a very difficult time right about now. it's not my news to share, so i won't. but she has and needs some support.
second, and now i feel like an ass for even bringing it up in light of maria's post, is that brian over at Looky, Daddy (lookydaddy.com) has carson up today as his masthead, with a bunch of other tough guys. septemer is his month of mastheads and i sent pics of my kids. carson is the one in orange and blue, lol. i think maybe you can pick him out of the crowd. might post later today but dunno....probably will have to work tonight (please, God, if you are reading this over my shoulder, DON'T FLOAT ME) so i will sleep today.
and.....that's all. might attempt sleep again. wish me luck.

kick ass, seabass!

2008-09-03T19:06:00.003-05:00

ya'll seriously, totally, irrevocably, effing rock. i love ya. i was expecting so much shit for the decision to medicate and you guys? were so great. i send you all e-godivas and chocolate martinis as we speak.
i am supposed to be at work right now, but i am flexed. ahh, beautifully flexed. no work. :)
now if my mammogram just goes well next week a lot of worry will be eliminated. the carson thing is already in the works, teachers filling out vanderbilt forms to score his behavior (or behaviour, for all my canadian peeps). so now i just have to survive the tit squeeze and life will be good. and yes, i am too young. i'm only 25. but i'm having issues and have a huge family hx of breast cancer. my GRANDPA had it. wrap your mind around that.
so wish me luck with the tit squeeze, ya'll. i hope i don't need it but it would be stupid to turn it down. now i'm going to go (wish i could but i'm on call) drink, a lot.

a difficult decision

2008-08-31T08:16:00.005-05:00

so. i'm sitting here, listening to death cab for cutie's "i will follow you into the dark" (not that that is in any way indicative to what i'm going to write), fresh off of work. still in scrubs (winnie the pooh bandaids and pink pants, since you asked. they go nicely with my pink crocs covered in pirate skulls. very pediatric.). and i'm coming round to a decision i never thought i would make, and one i'm certainly not making lightly.
i am going to medicate my child. perhaps permanently, though i hope he outgrows the need for it.
let me explain.
carson is a bundle of energy, and always has been. i had bruised ribs/cervix all thru my pregnancy, he cried so loud at birth that my family heard him in the waiting room down the hall and around the corner, and has been going balls to the wall ever since. and that's fine. he's an active, quirky, AWESOME little boy. i treasure him and his spark and his silly questions and fart jokes. but he's having difficulties; has had them for a while but i wasn't sure if it was something he would outgrow.
in kindergarten at the School of Hell and Teaching Ineptitude, he had a really rough start. he was so excited to go it was painful to see...he woke me up every day for months with a hand on each side of my face and whisper "is it June yet?" June was when summer school started. in fact, he fell on a tent stake (i know, that's the face i made, too) on a camping trip with grandma the week before and the first thing he screamed was "oh-mi-god-i'm-hemmorhaging-and-can't-go-to-summer-school-cause-i'm-dying!!!" (guess that is my fault for reading him nursing textbooks, eh?) so he went to his first day of kindergarten with a huge smile and a light step (and a scar on one knee). my biggest fear was that they wouldn't recognize him for how special he was, see his spark and personality, somehow crush his spirit with their conformity and judgements.
i was right.
his teacher there had been a teacher for over twenty years, and i requested her. she knew jason's family, was a nice lady. but a bad fit for my child. carson became her whipping boy...not allowed to sit with others, silenced. flipping cards every day, never having a good day, never able to do show and tell or get toys from the treasure chest. he had nightmares and wet the bed and cried, begged me to not send him to school. he was under constant stress. he got pneumonia three times...she wouldn't send him for his breathing treatments, you see, and his asthma escalated into pneumonia quickly with that neglect. he has his ears pierced, and every day they would be bloody and bruised from a little boy who yanked them mercilessly on the playground, yet was never punished. a child punched Carson, who punched him back, and only carson got sent to the office. it was one thing after another. they said he couldn't be in the Christmas program after they suggested occupational therapy to calm his impulsivity; the OT said his impulsiveness was like a diabetics blood sugar...nothing he could help at this time, but it would get better with treatment. yet the continued to punish rather than redirect. we started deep compression therapy. but the thing with pressure vests is, you can only wear them for an hour at a time....she was leaving it on him all day long. he was sore and tired. then he hit his head on a steel bar in music and got a huge knot (can you say closed head injury?) and came home and had a focal seizure. i was so livid i was honestly afraid i would lose my nursing license (assault charges can cause that, you know) so i said nothing at that time. but i was horrified. and so fucking pissed. and so hurt for my child...he was enduring this from a teacher I had CHOSEN. i am writing this with eyes full of tears, remembering his suffering.
we moved in February and his new teacher, his new school, was so much better. SO MUCH BETTER. we met with the OT, he didn't qualify for services here due to no medical diagnosis such as ADD or ADHD, but he could use all of her stuff in class, and his teacher incorporated deep compression therapy for everyone so he wouldn't be singled out. he got treasure chest toys and good days and quit wetting the bed at night. the nightmares slowed. he loved school. i took a deep breath and thanked God for it.
this year has been good and bad. good because some of the issues of kindergarten are behind us....no pressure vest to keep him seated, he does it on his own. but he's having nightmares again. and he wet the bed last night, apparently. and i worry this is my fault. he's been very difficult lately. he's always been very impulsive, loud, distractable. it's escalating and escalating and he feels ashelpless as we do. he told me in tears, "mommy, i hear you stay stop but my brain is broken. i can't quit when you ask me too." the guilt reared up and ate me alive as i tried to reassure him, to calm him, to tell him his brain wasn't broken but wonderful.

but he is such a handful anymore. he makes noises for literally 14 hours a day. straight. he can't sit still. you ask him to do something and remind him 7 times and find him in the front yard, surprised that he's there and hasn't gotten what you asked him yet. i feel like we are doing nothing but yelling or getting onto him. redirecting isn't working anymore. i am at a loss. he was, in many ways, an easier child at 2 and 3 than he is now.
and how do i ignore his obvious cry for help?
i feel like a bad mother. again. i'm worried we'll medicate and he'll have horrible side effects. no appetite, tardive dyskinesia, excessive weight gain or loss. hyper-irritability or somnolence. i don't know what to expect.
but i do know this. he's my son, and i love him. would do anything for him. including answer his cry. and it's ADHD, not cancer. i need some perspective.
but how do i make the fear and helplessness go away?
here he is the night of the christmas program i INSISTED he be included in. and he did magnificently. even though he has pinkeye in both eyes (way to go, peds nurse) and the kid he stood next to pinched and kicked him when he thought no one could see him (wonder why he as nervous and fidgety on the risers, o teacher of supreme ignorance?).

guess what guess what guess what (repeat as often as needed)

2008-08-29T17:32:00.003-05:00

i now have the internet. in my home. am no longer using my friends' and families' stuff, or my phone.

be quiet. do yo hear that? listen.....

it's the angels singing.

can you tell i'm excited?

so....i have a bone to pick with Mamapop. a serious one. they did a review of the Twilight series, right? so i, curious, happened to see the books and bought the first two in paperback, figuring if they sucked i could just give them away. and now i want to snatch that sentence off the page for the blasphemy it contains.

I. CANNOT. QUIT. READING. THESE. BOOKS.

no, i'm not kidding. i read the first two in about 9 hours, and was furious that target didn't open for another 4 hours for me to get the last two. and i read them in about another day. i have forgotten my husband's name and the faces of my children. i am madly in love with the story of edward and bella and wishing i had a friend like jacob and alice.

i need a 12 step program. i have had the books not quite a week and i finished them once and am on the third one again. send help. or not...i'm fine caught up in this make believe world. and so excited for the movie it's painful.
but srsly, can ya'll blame me?

oh hai

2008-08-23T08:48:00.003-05:00

so..here i go, promising to blog more often to appease all 5 of my readers (see! my numbers are growing! take that, dooce! lol) and then i go a whole week-ish without a word. i suck, sorry. i just got off work and am at a good friend's abusing her internet while she makes pancakes. it's a hard life but someone has to do it.
carson started first grade and is ROCKING OUT. and i do like his teacher, for all i thought i wouldn't. she seems to get him and he likes her and was beaming after the first day: "MOM! i LOVE first grade! and i got a STICKER! for my SCHOOLHOUSE? and it was AWESOME...did you know that in first grade you have to be good FOREVER?" that made my day so much better because i had spent the whole day crying in sadness because a) holy effing hell, batman, how is my precious babeee old enough for higher learnin and shit? and b)i made him cry during the "take a million pictures" period. i suck so bad.
so what happened, was, i was taking a million pictures (shocker, i know) and he quit smiling, or started smiling the horrible, perfectly rectangular smile that he has and uses specifically to annoy me. yes he does. be quiet. so i snapped at him. then he put his glasses on by pulling the ear pieces so far apart i expected the glasses to just snap in half, and i yelled. and his big brown eyes filled with tears and he buried his face in his hands and i died.
i never expected to fail at motherhood. yet i do it, so often. and for all the snark i use to cover it up, it kills me. keeps me up at night or gives me nightmares. panic attacks when they leave me..."what if there's an accident and the last thing they remember is Mommy yelling, and not kisses?" it's not healthy and i know that, and yet....it continues. so i talk to friends about it, or to Jason, to gain perspective. and that's helping, and helping me be the mom i always wanted my mom to be. it's just a slow process and i'm an impatient person.
but i'm trying, and i hope he remembers that instead of Mommy yelling.

oh shit

2008-08-15T00:08:00.002-05:00

look, my title cussed. now i'm a badass. a really stupid one who deleted my damn blog list and can't remember who was on it. so if you were and i forgot you, remind me, m'kay? my bad.
oh, and i forgot, i'm supposed to nominate 5 people who make ME smile. so i nominate.....ummm.....well.....don't really have many readers yet....so...
it's all YOU baby. whoever is reading this (all 3 of you), consider yourself nominated. and let me know. cause i'm thoughtful like that. and go over to Supervised Ma and give her some love before her inlaws drive her to the psych ward.

hi, ya'll

2008-08-14T23:46:00.006-05:00

my offspring...let me show them to you.

so i guess i took a little vacation there, or something, since i haven't updated in awhile. though i did get pictures taken of my kids...that poor, poor photographer. she deserved combat pay. Princess was so awful it was almost funny because it came down to laughter or suicide and i didn't want to mess up the props. Wonderboy starts school on monday and is so excited. i was until i met his teacher, who looked at me like "what's WRONG with your child?" as i told her about the sensory processing disorder and asthma. i was so pissed. how dare she? i mean, really. she CHOSE a field that involves maximum interaction with children, who, even when perfect, aren't perfect. grr.

see that white trash gene, now?

WELL....on a better note. i won an award! for arwen thinks i'm awesome! and now i have more blogs to add to my "blogs i stalk..." not that i know how to link to them. i started reading lesbiandad and lookydaddy and spors of the desert, all great reads, check them out.

well...it's done

2008-08-06T20:42:00.004-05:00

so. i just mailed off my grad school stuff. and it cost me $15 to do so. if someone was serious about applying for grad school wouldn't you just LET them? why does it have to be so hard to apply? it's insane...professional resume, letters of recommendation, $40 fee, application, professional goal statement, shot records, blah BLAH BLAH FAIL.
so i guess we'll see how it goes.
i am so excited! Jen, from Sprite's Keeper, stopped by yesterday! i feel so popular! lol. i would link to her but i'm dumb and don't know how to do that yet...will try the little enclosure link thingy on the top here and see what that does. but if it doesn't work, go to the "Blogs I Stalk" header on the right hand side.

laziness

2008-08-05T13:41:00.002-05:00

so i still haven't sent off my stuff to grad school. have to do a professional resume, which i haven't done in forever, and am kind of dragging my feet for some reason. might be the additional TWENTY GRAND in student loans that's making me cautious, i dunno. also, our ac broke. cause when the heat index is 114 who needs ac, right? kill me.

bonus post

2008-08-02T05:53:00.005-05:00

this is my favorite shot of princess. this week. this is her up close and personal in the pool, like "what? you got something to say?" as she smiles a little. and that just captures her perfectly. now the one above is her last year at this time. focus on the hairbow, not the snot, please. isn't it crazy the difference a year makes? i can look at pictures of her then vs now and be like "of COURSE she looks like that!" but a year ago i couldn't have predicted it. and i have no clue what she'll look like 6 months from now. strange, eh?

you know how sometimes....

2008-08-02T04:10:00.002-05:00

you know how sometimes you get news that makes your whole day better? i just got some of that today, in a roundabout way.
let me back up.
ok, when i wrote that first post it was after the SHITTIEST day. my cousin, who is a ripe old 20 years old, got married. no big, right? wrong. the guy she married was .... are you ready?
a CONVICTED CHILD MOLESTER.
seriously?
yes, apparantly. they have a beautiful 9 month old little boy, who i could just eat he is so cute. so that's a perk of their relationship, i guess. but why get married just because of a kid? i mean, it isn't 1955 anymore. you don't HAVE to do that. sure, it's a good thing, but not, to me, a REQUIREMENT. carson was 3 before jason and i got married...it's just easier to break up than divorce, ya know? but my cousin gave us 7 days notice and got married. beautiful dress, small wedding, haphazard reception that had more potential than anything else. it was very sad, to me, on all fronts. she wasn't excited. she was resigned. she was told over and over by her stepfather she HAD to get married because her baby was a bastard (WTF??). her mother, my awesome aunt, died when she was just a teenager, and a young one at that. her husband was a fuckwad. his family, the same. none of us were excited because we knew about the penchant for children thing. but she wouldn't be swayed. and it broke my heart.
so fast forward to not even a month later. they are getting divorced. and i was so excited. but i feel bad for her because 2 1/2 weeks after they got married, he moved in with an 18 year old girl.
her parting shot? "I guess i'm just too old for you."
you go, girl. you go.

so....

2008-07-31T16:51:00.002-05:00

so it will be a few days before i get to post the video since my aunt's computer is stupid. stoooooopid. and doesn't recognize videos. dammit. but....i did put a new pic up of ella at about 7 months, asleep in her bouncy seat of awesome jungleness. enjoy. :)

karate, karate, does whatever a karate does....

2008-07-30T14:13:00.004-05:00

so...had the kids in the pool yesterday (all 18 inches deep, yay!), and they played for like....15 seconds or so. then they jumped out and played on the swing set, and carson sang an awesome song about karate...will edit it later to put in the video.
so what's new, internet? any thoughts? andrea (passthezoloft.blogspot.com) is taking a break from blogging, and i am sad. it's ya'lls job to cheer me up.
3...2...1....
go.
edited to add the video of the karate song. enjoy! p.s...i swear to God i feed my kid.

omg....i'm stupid

2008-07-29T17:04:00.003-05:00

so....i just applied for grad school. because i suck. and i apparantly have a compulsive need to PUNISH MYSELF. god help me. and my family.
i don't even know why i'm telling ya'll this, cause what if i don't get in? then i'll look even dumber....too stupid to punish myself. lol.
ella said "shit" in walmart yesterday. it was a great moment, as you can probably imagine. especially since the little old lady with her oxygen heard it and almost had a stroke. and carson the helpful was all "i TOLD you she said a BAD WORD!!! I TOLD you, mom! You should put SOAP in her mouth." so...so much for covering that up. hmm.
my major, you ask? what, you don't care? shuttup, you do, too. women's health. now, as my husband puts it, i'll be a "vaginacologist." he's handy for something, i guess...those nicknames he gives us all are pretty good.
gotta go fax transcript requests. wish me luck.

Weird things I've had to say today....

2008-07-24T21:39:00.005-05:00

"Carson, we DO NOT pull our penis out of our underwear and do a little dance! Especially in front of Mommy!"

"Ella, crawling right back into my vagina isn't going to make me move out of the way. Say excuse me!"

who knew kids warranted such common sense information?

* * * * *

so now ella is twenty-five, instead of not quite twenty months. she feeds herself, and insists on stepping into her shoes and shorts/skirts instead of laying down to be dressed. she is currently running apeshit at my aunt betsy's house with a humungous pocketed bib designed to catch food on....only it's backwards. so now she's super ella and refuses to let me take a picture. damn kid. it's a good thing she lets me dress her up and make hairbows for her, or this relationship would be shot, I tell you. and she's SUCH a girl (i know, i know, i just rolled my eyes at that statement, too) but it slays me a little at how prissy she is. if you ask her "where's your fabulous handbag?" she runs and finds either the sequins with the marabou or the ruffley rose purse. she loves shoes and disney princesses, which let me tell you, the disney princess thing killed my soul a little. not that that stopped me from buying the damn disney princess canopy bed...although in my defense it was a hell of a deal and the only girl bed toys r us had. i asked for a toddler bed with estrogen and i got that or diego. i wonder what they're insinuating about diego there? maybe he rescues animals with his fabulous handbag, like ella.

image of me looking like a fatass, holding ella the evil overlord